by Lynn Martin

Created on: April 06, 2007   Last Updated: October 31, 2008

After 2006 I feel like I'm almost to a place where I could write a book on "dealing with death in the family. In one year I experienced both sudden loss and anticipated death due to illness. And the most outstanding thing that should be upheld in discussion of this topic, is that while grief has it's patterns; each loss has it's unique components.

It seems like after a tragic loss everyone gathers and does anything possible to support the grieving family. A gesture that is greatly appreciated. I lost my brother to suicide, it was the most tragic thing I've ever dealt with. In the immediate aftermath friends and family supported his wife and son with all the grace and fortitude anyone could ever ask for. When I got home, my church gathered around my parents and gave them immense support. But, my brothers and I were left with nothing, no one in church avenues paid any attention to the fact that we were grieving as well. Which broke my heart as I had known and been a part of the same church as my parents my whole life. I was, however, fortunate enough to have a couple of remarkable friends that stood right beside me and pulled me through.

Four months later when my mother's sister and my father's brother-in-law died from cancer those friends were there again pulling me through. This time through a much thicker grief. I still hadn't completely regained myself from the first loss. This time though, it was an anticipated loss. They had both been ill for some time. After the funeral was over no one was there to help. No one stopped by. There was only those remarkable friends, standing by yet again.

It's the support of those remarkable friends that made it possible for me to push through my own depression during the grief process. They took me out to dinner, they mowed my lawn, they walked my dogs. They made themselves available to chat. They cleaned up my house. It's the small gestures that made a big difference.

Years before all of these happened, I lost a baby. It was still the first trimester, and we hadn't said much to anyone. But, when the announcement came out that we had lost the baby the friends and family all seemed to take a step back and never once asked how we were doing. The thought was to give mom and dad space to deal with this in their own way and in their own time. But, what I wanted was someone to acknowledge how I felt and tell me it would be OK and validate my status as a mom even though I couldn't hold my baby.

I know that grief counselor's say that there are stages to our grieving, but, the support you receive from those around you may very greatly based on the type of loss. Dealing with death is never easy, even after so many loses in such a short time I am still not comfortable with it. It's my encouragement that even if no one asks for your help during the grieving process due something you know that will be appreciated without asking. It may just make the most significant difference in the life of a grieving individual.

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