by Reg Brittain

Created on: April 05, 2007   Last Updated: May 08, 2007

How did you wind up here? Second row, middle, at a dance recital! You of two left feet and three big toes! You who fumbled your way through the "first dance" at your wedding so badly your new mate had to ingest Aleve for fractured feet. How is it your child - yours! - wound up on that stage? Dancing! (Well, trying to dance, anyway.)

And as much as you cannot believe it, as much as you would rather be doing anything else (short of giving a mad cow stricken bovine a pedicure), here you sit. At the dance recital.

Now what?

1. ASSUMPTIONS

I assume you want to retain your child's love for you. Further, I assume your child looks up to you, and you wish to maintain that state. I assume you do not wish to sleep on the couch for the rest of the given year. I therefore, assume you will stay at the dance recital with a big - however fake - smile on your face.

2. DISTRACTIONS

Acceptable - Imagining the school's obligatory bossy, self-esteem-challenged mom stuck in a room with her doppelganger; completely zoning out; thinking about that episode of that show you are going to watch later; making "squishy" hand noises in time with the dance music (at least, until your spouse elbows you).

Unacceptable - Sneaking in reading materials (this article included), sneaking in your iPod so you can "rock out" like back in the day, sneaking in your pet rats (assuming you have pet rats, though I have thought about this a great many hours and I do not understand why anybody keeps pet rats).

3. MOTIVATIONS

You have certainly done less interesting things in your lifetime. Later, you might get a passionate - be honest - hug of appreciation from your adoring spouse. One day, your kid will actually exhibit some genuine talent - at something, let us hope - and you are there tonight so you can say later, "I am so glad I was there to witness the emergence of my little butterfly," or "All these years of support and finally, you got Honorable Mention in cat herding," or "I really tried to pretend I cared that one time." Whatever, you will think of something to say later. It will come to you. And when it does, say it. Unless it is gibberish. In that case, keep it inside. See a doctor. (I beg of you!)

Lastly remember, we do things like attend oft tedious recitals because we love our children - it matters not that come adolescence, they will dispute us, disavow us, and just plain dis us. All that is years away. Tonight, we watch, and think, "Hey! That's my kid up there!"

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