by Rachelle de Bretagne

Created on: April 04, 2007   Last Updated: May 11, 2007

Wanting to become a parent was a normal part of my growing up process. You assume that one day you will fall in love, get married and have children. It's naive perhaps, though the mindset told me that was normal. When I eventually married aged 28 years old, my husband and I were in good careers, we were adequately well off to offer a child a home, and went through all those plans that couples do, though never even worried that it wasn't a possibility. Our sex life was healthy, and we loved each other, though what we didn't realize was that the shock of having to face that we could perhaps not have children was one that was a real blow.

FAMILY PRESSURES

When you are married, it's not only your own wishes that come into play. Little by little, the snide remarks begin asking when you are going to get around to having children. In laws and friends all seem to have expectations very similar to those that you have, that things will go normally, even though time has proved that they won't.

Getting through the pressure from family is one thing. Seeing all the friends around you with kids is quite another thing. They expect you to dote over their babies, although what they do not realize is that every time they present their babies, it makes that acceptance that you will never be a parent worse to handle. It's not even jealousy because you love your friends, you love their kids. It's a devastating feeling of failure and one that can push married couples into alotting blame in the relationship which really isn't healthy. No one is to blame, and a loving couple can work through these issues and come out of them still in love, and still feeling complete.

TRYING TOO HARD

It's an old excuse, and used too frequently, and even though people said we were trying to hard, we really were not. We didn't consciously think about it when we were making love. Of course, we went through the usual calendar thing of choosing the right times, we laughed at the temperature charts, but we never really thought about it while we made love. There are those couples that do, though we were not one of them. Sex was always comfortable for us, and never caused worries or stresses.

ACCEPTANCE

As a couple that wanted children we never accepted that we couldn't have them, although we did go through testing and even considered adoption. What we decided in the end was that test tube was the way to go, and even the doctor found that we were ideal candidates. We had all the tests and were ready to go, though life took an unfortunate turn, and my husband died before having a chance to donate sperm, the appointment having been fixed for a week after his death.

ADVICE

Not everyone wants children. Not everyone can have them. Putting pressure on childless couples makes it hard for the couple. They feel that in some way they have failed. Nature does create those human beings that cannot have babies and although it seems the end of the world, you can get past those feelings and find other ways of having children, even if not on a permanent basis by looking after your friends kids, and getting past the broody stage, watching them grow up, or even adopting a child, though what the childless couple should always remember is that children grow into adults, and are never really theirs. They are just little people that grow into big ones, and looking at alternatives and deciding which way to go and what you can offer a child that has no family are worth it, because even if they are not yours biologically, they will always be your kids.

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