Listening is the secret to good communication.

One of the skills of listening is understanding and accepting that you cannot have a counter argument when it comes to defining another persons feelings.

How they express their feelings and interpret a situation must not be presented with a counter argument.

To do so, makes them feel that they have not been heard, that their feelings do not matter and worse that they are invalid. So even if you/me/whoever do think their feelings are misplaced in a certain situation, we must respect that they are entitled to 'feel' this way.

I think one reason we feel the need to 'correct' the presentation of another persons feelings is because those 'feelings' as they express them may present us negatively or even unjustly. This is hard to take. How we deal with that presentation though is all important if we are to build a bridge and not crash and burn one.

Example:

If the person expresses that they feel bullied, and we say no you are not because 'xyz' is the reality, they will not accept 'xyz' even though they may appear to do so, they will merely feel 'misunderstood, invalidated, unheard' and more bullied! When that is not our intention. We mean well.

What we should do is recognise their feelings are 'real' and then express how 'we feel' instead of telling them, 'their feelings' are wrong and being dismissive.

Adults make this mistake with children a lot. We tell them: "Don't be upset about 'xyz', it is nothing to be upset about". Immediately we dismiss their feelings. What we need to do, is recognise and accept their feelings. Then deal with the situation, so that they feel better about it.

Having a counter argument makes the person with the opposing view feel they have not been heard and had their say.

Learn to listen and you will be valued as a great communicator.

Learn more about this author, Leah Gray aka Creative Blogger.
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