by Mel Bergen

Created on: April 03, 2007   Last Updated: September 15, 2008

It is very simple to identify a zombie, as it happens. There are a few key distinguishing characteristics that you should note before you knock off that possibly-undead head. Keep an eye out for them, when considering destroying a zombie. Taking care to identify the undead clearly may well save you a nasty trial and some jail time.

The first thing to look for is the classic shuffling gait. Zombies are dead, thus they have trouble walking and coordinating their movements. They are quite slow and they don't pick up their feet when they walk. In fact, they tend to stagger a bit as they cannot bend their knees well. This is what makes early-morning zombie hunting tricky. Those who haven't yet had their morning coffee may appear zombie-like in their movements. Check for the other signs before acting!

The next sign is the zombie's slow but single-minded pursuit of prey. This is where you can weed out the caffeine addicts from the brain eaters. If the subject is heading towards the nearest coffee shop or Dunkin' Donuts and can actually open the door, you can quickly rule them out of the zombie category. If they are following someone and repeatedly bang into the door while moaning, they are either more than 24 hours past their last dose of java or they don't understand that there is a glass barrier keeping them from their morning snack.

Once you're thoroughly suspicious that someone is a zombie, look closely at their appearance. Do they appear so pale as to be bloodless? Are they decomposing? Is their clothing ripped and dirty, especially about the knees and elbows, from crawling around eating prey? Are there large bloodstains and bits of bone covering their shirt front? Look for swollen calves and feet where their has blood pooled after their hearts stopped beating. Check for bite marks from other zombies, but not too closely.

If most or all of these signs are present, you are definitely dealing with the undead. Use your senses, except taste and touch, of course, and be sure of your determination before decapitation. A shambling, moaning, bloody, and stinking zombie should be dealt with or avoided. Look at them, listen to their moaning (the inability to speak is another good, but fallible, sign - they could be drunk or otherwise impaired), and sniff around for the telltale scent of rot.

What should you do about it? Ideally, you should have prepared yourself before leaving the house. Unless you've been practicing with that machete, get the zombie's attention and lure him away from others, then put your shotgun to good use. If you aren't prepared, move away quickly. It isn't difficult to get out of a zombie's range as long as you are vigilant about where you are going. Make sure you are not backing away from one only to end up in the arms of another.

If necessary, call a friend to deal with the problem. You wouldn't want to be responsible for the havoc a zombie can inflict on an unsuspecting population just because you couldn't be bothered to dispatch him or her, would you? Take the creature out cleanly and call the authorities to deal with the remains. If you do so anonymously, you can still make it to work on time.

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