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"Everybody will be there...Nothing's going to happen...Why don't you trust me?"

My 18-year old daughter pulled out all the stops to build her case for attending an all night camp-out at the lake with other graduating seniors.

"Jen's mom is letting her go. Besides, these are straight-A students...They're going to college...We're all just friends...It's innocent...There's nothing to worry about, I promise!"

I still said no. That was ten years ago, and we lived through the angry conflict and punishing attitude afterward. My daughter, now married with three children, would tell you plainly: Stick to your guns. Be committed. Do not allow your teen to attend a coed sleep-over. The mixture of hormones, moonlight, music, and (often) alcohol is an intoxicating cocktail few can resist.

Why all the fuss?

CHILDREN ARE HAVING CHILDREN
The teenage birth rate in the United States remains above most other developed countries, and a disturbing number of babies are born to teens between age fifteen and nineteen. Nearly two-thirds of all teen pregnancies are to girls between the ages of eighteen and nineteen, and about one-third of all teen girls become pregnant by the age of twenty.

TEENS ARE NOT GROWN UPS
Teens still need an adult who is monitoring their behavior, teaching them life skills and guiding them into adulthood. It is very telling that the highest percentage of pregnancies are to teens in the age bracket thought to be "adults." But being eighteen doesn't automatically make a person an adult. Research on cognitive development suggests that teenagers do not make value judgments like an adult. Their reasoning skills are still developing, and they haven't mastered the processes quite yet. (By this definition, it is no surprise that fully one-third of all adults have never reached "adulthood!") Parents who let their teens make all their own decisions - including putting themselves in compromising situations - are abdicating their responsibilities and setting their teens adrift on open seas.

The trick is this: As your teen demonstrates the ability to make sound judgments, then it is safe to give over a little more of the decision-making responsibility. Sometimes this happens early; sometimes teens go through four years of college and into life without learning to make sound judgments.

PARENTS NEED TO BE THE ADULT
Throwing a group of teenagers together for an overnighter makes about as much sense as locking an alcoholic in a liquor store. A few may be mature enough to exercise good judgment, but most won't. And then they will have to rely on the adults in their lives to help them handle the consequences.

Do the hard thing up front and handle the consequences before they materialize. If that means saying no to a coed overnight party, then be the adult and say no. If you just can't stand to see your teenage daughter cry, then recruit a responsible adult chaperon for every four teens and plan to stay up all night accounting for every teen's whereabouts. Either way, it is hard work, but somebody needs to be adult enough - and committed enough - to do the job.

Learn more about this author, Janet Mcleod.
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