Sometimes I wonder what he is doing? How he is doing? Where he is at? But of all the questions I wonder why he cannot love me for being me!

Years of him coming and going. He would come into my life for a few weeks, then he would leave again. Sometimes I would not hear from him for years. When I was young I can remember the only conversation we would have is everything I did wrong. The only touch I would get is whippens with a board a foot long with 150 holes in it. Everything he thought I did or maybe I did do it I would get 25-50 licks per item. Those would all come at one time usually on Saturday or Sunday. I was never good enough for him.

When I was 18 I got married, he liked the man I married becuase he beat me too. It was okay to kick me while I was pregnant, and beat me around. When my husband went to jail for domestic violence he just quit talking to me or seeing me. We went for 6 years with no contact, and I could not even contact my mom he would not let me.

When my husband died, well I think there was 6 months he was in my life, he got mad again over something stupid and I don't even remember what he was gone again.

Finally I met my husband now,well he does not like my husband because my husband will not let him call me names like Bitch, and cut me down. Out of the 8 years I have been married I think he has been in my life maybe 1 year in total.

I cry inside all the time, I wonder what it would be like if he was different, I don't understand what I ever did except be born.

Even after all this I still love him he is my father, but I cannot stand him. He has hurt me physically, and emotionally. He has belittled me to my children, he has called me names, he has told me I am nothing, and he has no interest in me at all.

I am angry, upset, confused, and hurt. Why can't he accept me? what did I ever do?Will I ever be good enough? Should I call him? Should I just let him go? What if something happens to him?

I just keep going with my life, my children and my loving husband. My husband is my supporter, my love, and my life.

Will I ever be good enough for him to come around and say I love you, I am proud of you! Probably not since I haven't heard it yet.

Learn more about this author, Ann Kidd.
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