There is a thunderstorm starting outside this spring day. There is a weight crushing me, making it hard to sit here alone with the rain. Sadness had visited me almost my entire life. I try to push it back, I try to push it aside, I try to push it away. When I try pushing the sadness I usually push who ever is closet to me at the time away instead.

I suffered all different types of abuse throughout my childhood. I continued to suffer the after effects in my adulthood, and still do. For the most part the last few years have been the best for me. Holding my head high and working to know that I have done alright for myself. Then comes the dreaded relationships.

I do not have a best friend, nor do I have many friends. I have a lot of people I know and like for the most part. A few people I trust and a hole lot of people I do not trust. You tend to get these gut feelings that something is not right with someone, and push a wall up to hide behind. The problem with gut feelings is that I have never been wrong about someone not being true.

When someone tells you they love you it should not hurt or make you want to run far away. When someone tells you they think you are beautiful you should not wonder what they want from you. When someone does something for you, you should not feel obligated to do something for them. Or even you should allow them to do whatever it is they would like to do for you. You should not get uptight and anxious over someone wanting to help.

Abusers tend to trick children by buying things for them and then telling them they have to do something in return. They tend to say things that they think you want to hear to trick you into something sickening. They tend to corner you and threaten you into not telling what they have done.

Nightmares were a everyday occurrence for me, and so many other children. You are not afraid of ghost or the boogie man. You are afraid of a relative, or neighbor, or a family friend. Thoughts of torture to you and your family can reoccur for years. There is nothing that can make them stop. My nightmares stopped the day I learned my grandfather died when I was in my mid twenties.

I can believe that someone can love me, and I believe that I deserve to be loved, but I still will not allow myself to love...or be loved. Every little flaw in a sentence...every little word out of order...every little glance away...I find reason in why I will not love someone.

I love my children very much. They are the only thing that hold me together. The only truth in my life it seems for the most part is that they are good, good for me. I may die alone, but at least I had time in my life of being able to love two people no matter what they say, no matter what they do.

I have came so much farther as far as relationships go in the last couple of years, but I often wonder if I will ever get over the trust factor. Will I ever trust anyone? I don't even trust myself. I know that I will let myself down, and others. I am not reliable, I am not responsible, and I am not careful of others' feelings.

If I could I would tell you how to let go of the pain that you feel for years after suffering abuse, I know how, I just can not let go. It seems to be a security blanket of some sort. The loneliness is always there...the sadness is always there...the fear is always there...people are not.

Learn more about this author, Amy Hill.
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