by Paul Drockton

Created on: March 25, 2007   Last Updated: April 30, 2007

The "Mascot" Wars:

The 1970s were not a good time for the Cleveland Indian's fans. I remember going to games where 7,000 people was a great crowd. What is even more ironic, is that George Steinbrenner wanted to buy the Indians but was turned down. So, he bought the "Yankees" instead. It didn't have to be that way!

The Indians played at Cleveland Municipal Stadium.

Which reportedly was built in the 1930s to attract the Olympics. Sadly, it became known as the "mistake by the lake". It is fondly remembered for "beer night", when a group of drunken fans took over the field and refused to leave. Since so little is known about this historical event, I will hypothesize that the protest had something to do with the explosive combination of broken bathrooms and cheap beer.

I understand that the whole episode has been deleted from "Big-Chuck reruns" in what we now refer to as the "beer night" coverup. I personally am convinced it had something to do with an unscrupulous executive at "Schlitz Malt Liquor", who feared that the public would find out that his product looks the same going in as it does coming out. A fact demonstrated frequently during the "beer night" melee by a group of protestors standing near the third base line.

For those of you not in attendance that night, I believe they called the game. This is the closest the Cleveland Indians came to victory during the 1970s.

Now, as I understand it, the Chief Wahoo Band of Indians (which now operates a bingo hall in the basement of a Lakewood nursing home), has filed a lawsuit against the Cleveland Indians for a logo that bears a striking resemblance to "Miss Wahoo, 1939".

As a form of appeasement, the Indians have adopted a new mascot, "Slider" (who, as I understand it, is named after a certain delicacy only available at "White Castle").

It is rumored that the Indians are now being sued by the "Tickle me Elmo Tribe" (which operates an offshore casino on Lake Erie). Also, The Pink Walrus In Need of Counseling coalition (PWINC) is threatening litigation. To make matters worse, the Slider Mascot has been heard to utter the words, "lousy Indians" on occassion. An obvious slur directed at the "Chief Wahoo and Tickle me Elmo tribes".

In an attempt to pacify all of these angry activists, the Indians will now be holding a free "Peyote" night. Unlike the ill-mannered crowd at beer night, "Peyote" night fans can join the Indians on the field without ever leaving their seats! However, "Slider" will not be performing that night due to a conflict with a previously scheduled "Tickle Me Elmo" event at the group's offshore casino.

It is also rumored that Politically Correct Parma (P.C.P.), is running a new mascot contest for the Indians.

The group's spokesman, who goes by the name "Hey You" (not to be confused with Wa-hoo.) claims that they have already recieved some very credible entries:

1. The Invisible Man (if you can't see it, you can't be offended!)

2. "Wishbone" the dog (the PBS star would appear in different historical garb each game).

3. "Trigger" (Roy Rogers stuffed horse)

4. A Hubcap from a 1937 Ford. (Could be tossed around by the crowd!)

5. Rainbow (A Multicolored mascot that promotes diversity)

6. "Clouds over Cleveland" (people can look up and see whatever they want!)

In this manner, the only way anyone should be offended is if they are a Cleveland Indian's fan watching a losing game! Who the heck cares what they think anyway!

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