by Alyce Rocco

Created on: March 24, 2007   Last Updated: June 29, 2009

Have you ever had someone rudely cut you off in traffic almost causing you to have an accident? How do you feel when a co-worker lies to the boss about you? What happens when someone you love constantly accuses you of something you didn't do? Doesn't it feel good when someone compliments you? Do you feel bad when ugly words are hurled at you? How do you react? If someone robbed you of a possession you worked hard to obtain, what would be your reaction? What about when you've been scammed? What if someone brutally raped and murdered your child? Powerful anger might arise. The desire to kill the person who committed the act would be a normal reaction.

Most people will feel some anger when mistreated by others. We all have things that happen to make us mad. The severity of the offense will affect the degree of anger. Our personalities, how we deal with bad stuff, will determine how long we remain anger and what we do about it. Some will rant and rave, anger released the incident is soon forgotten. Others will replay the scene over and over in their head, or retelling the tale to anyone who will listen. Some don't get angry at all, just accepting that some days you are the pigeon and other days you are the pigeon's victim. Some people will want to strike back at the person who caused the pain that created the anger. There may be no relief from powerful angers.

When someone is being constantly abused by a loved one, there is a lot of anger. You can't hurt the person who is hurting you, so you will have anger with no place to go. Rather than strike the person who is hurting you, you strike yourself. That is often how self-injury starts. You can not control the abuser; can not make them cease the unwanted behavior. So you take the anger out on your own body. You literally beat yourself up. "Where's the logic in that?" you might ask. "Where is the logic to abusing a loved one?", I ask.

People who have been controlled by others often turn to self-harm or self-injury because it's the only area of their life where they feel they have control. A child can't stop her Mom's boyfriend from crawling into bed with her at night forcing her to do things she does not want to do. He threatens her with more harm to herself or her mother is she tells. Suffering in silence, she may resort to harming herself. Having an angry father that mercilessly beats the child is another time when the child might start beating themselves up. Being pint-sized the child cannot defend itself or fight back. S/he can resort to other behaviors to relieve the pain and anger over being abused.

People often think self-harmers do it for attention. The attention the person seeks is a cry for help. It's a last resort when all other pleas have been ignored. "I'm hurting; I'm angry; I don't know how to make the pain go away." is what they are thinking, yet can not put into words. "Please stop hurting me." is their cry, or "please make them stop hurting me." Where ever the anger comes from, it is severe. Minor hurts or injuries don't cause the type of powerful anger that will lead a person to mutilate their own bodies to get relief from mental anguish.

The act of self-injuring brings relief and a sense of calm. There are other things that cause a person to be driven to self-harm. But it is always about being in control, relieving feelings of anger and pain. Understanding why a person self-injures might help you to help them with the problem.

Learn more about this author, Alyce Rocco.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.