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Arguments are part of human interaction because each of us has a different view on issues, were exposed to different experiences in life and have a hugely varying level of education and ability to process information. Even in agreement the understanding may be quite different between the two parties as evident in subsequent disputes that arise following accusations of failure to adhere. This means that arguments are a natural form of communication between two people. To argue effectively, it is necessary to remain factual, recognise and avoid emotive or irrational statements and above all listen.

The first part in effective communication is to identify and understand the interests of the other side. By doing this you can more effectively communicate your interests and turn a discussion into a forum where each of you exchange ideas on how to satisfy both interests. This is in effect an argument without fighting since each of you will be presenting numerous and diverse solutions that may not necessarily be satisfactory as a solution for mutual advantage. If in doubt it is sometimes better to simply ask without wasting valuable time probing or attempting to be subtle. Direct communication has many advantages but it is also important to remain polite.

Emotions are the bane of effective communication and are the primary cause of arguments turning into fights. In particular provoking anger is a sure-fire method of starting a fight and sometimes the other party will deliberately goad and provoke for precisely this reason. By succumbing to anger, you have effectively handed control of the discussion to the other side and you are more likely to disclose information that will not necessarily help the situation. Learn to recognise this form of communication and remain calm. If you find yourself becoming emotional then it is best to take some time out and cool off before continuing.

Respect is as important as listening. You do not have to agree with what someone is saying but you should listen carefully and understand that it might be something important to the person with whom you are speaking irrespective of what you personally think. You can disagree without being rude or provocative if you at least listen to an opposing point of view and in some way acknowledge the fact this is what the other person believes at that time. If you wish to change that belief then you should do so with respect and by presenting verifiable and factual information.

In marriage, the biggest obstacle is lack of listening skills. Assumptions are made because each partner believes they know what the other is thinking or likely to do in a given circumstance. It is also nearly impossible to separate emotion when married couples begin to argue and these are the more difficult discussions to have. Emotion in this situation may be an important part of the communication however anger is likely to do more damage than good. For one partner to see that an issue has some negative emotional effect on the other might be the one thing that causes a necessary change in behaviour that ensures the marriage lasts.

To argue without fighting requires listening, respect and a good measure of self-control. Nobody is perfect and it is very easy to become emotive during an argument. Learn to recognise the signs and withdraw for a cool-down period if necessary. It is better to walk away than say something that you might regret later!

Learn more about this author, Ian Loft.
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