by Michelle Fugel

Created on: December 07, 2011

I look around at all the smiling faces before me wishing I could do the same as them. It must be great to be so happy and carefree. Loving life must be nice. However, it is only a dream for me. Smiling is something rehearsed and planned. An effort.

Not a day goes by where I don’t go through pain. My life is a mess and I don’t know where I’m headed. I feel too rushed and overwhelmed by the littlest of things. I feel alone surrounded by all my loved ones. They couldn’t understand no matter how hard they try. Not like they even want to listen. They are rehearsed too. See a sad face, ask questions, move on.

Where am I? Who the am I? Reality blurs with the mind’s beautiful ideals.

The tears sting my eyes and drip down my cheeks. Sadness, frustration and hopelessness all molded into on big mess of emotions. I don’t understand it.

I live in fear. I live in hopelessness. I live in blackness. I crave piercing silence. I crave blaring noise.

I am nothing. I am no one, Unless they see different.

I let nobody into my broken heart or my broken thoughts in fear they will take advantage of me. After all, people are used to me being their staircase.

What is trust? It has fooled me so many times. I will not let anybody in ever again.

Love is not what it seems. I’m not sure who to turn to. Why should I when all that’s left in the end is myself?

“Just live and breathe...try not to die again” I tell myself.

Living in a weary cycle, drowning in an endless sea of my own salty, tears. I want to reach my dreams but the tide is pulling me in quicker than I had expected.

I am weak from fighting and panicking. Should I give up? A question asked each day.

It is beyond me how I’m still alive.

I want somebody to find me; to see beneath my surface. I want them to know me, talk to me, hear me, and love me.

I am a ghost of my former self. Gracefully floating among the cold tree branches. My lacy dress trailing delicately behind me. Forever in search of a beating heart to make me whole again.

Slipping between my fingers is life itself. I am so young but beginning to die inside. I wish I knew how to see past my misery. For so long I have felt trapped inside of myself so it’s hard to do otherwise. Comfort is a word I have long since forgotten. I know the moment I am happy again, the true meaning will come alive again.

I hate getting my hopes up because I am always let down. My happiness is always taken away too soon. The sick irony of life has cast itself upon me.

I close my throbbing eyes, feeling my burning tears. I can’t continue on with this much longer.

When will I be free? When will I be laughing again? I need sanity. I need strength. I miss my pureness, my ability to trust and my normal ways of coping with my feelings. It’s my turn to have a happy ending.

I hold on with the last of my being and let fate take its course. Maybe it will all be okay when I wake up from this horrible nightmare. The blackness takes hold and I am nowhere again. I am nobody. I feel broken. I am not okay.

I do all that I can and begin to whisper to myself, “Just live and breathe…try not to die again.”

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