by Carolyn Gudenau

Created on: November 20, 2011

Ever feel the difference between talking to someone and talking with them? Talking only requires speaking, whether to ask questions or give information. Connecting requires both parties to share their experience, listen and give feedback. You know you are connecting with someone when you can tell by their eye contact that they get it!

Connecting in the Family

Connecting with family members can sometimes be the hardest. It is easy to take loved ones for granted until nobody feels loved anymore. Connecting is about showing you care. Sometimes all it takes is a small action – a glance, a listening ear or complement – to renew connections.

Working together on a mutual project, driving together on a trip or camping with limited interruptions can all be opportunities to connect.

Connecting in the Workplace

At work, it doesn’t take long to learn who you can talk to and who to avoid. You find many different personalities, no two the same. The ‘connectors’ are able to ‘discuss with’ rather than ‘talk at’ others. They make themselves available without hesitation, respond easily to your requests, give you straight honest answers and when they make a request of you, they are not demanding. They make sure you understand the request and accept it.

Some people are routinely unavailable. These people may believe that everything is a ten and if it is not a ten, then it is not worth their time. According to Covey (1994) the urgency addiction is a perceived lack of time. It is difficult to have a meaningful conversation with someone who is always ‘on the run’. When you do have a conversation, it may feel like you are talking to each other in bullet points or Question and Answer. It can be difficult to persuade them that if you take the time to talk about the issue a little longer, much more time will be saved when you connect by brainstorming and then finding a solution.

Connecting with Strangers

Connecting with strangers can happen unexpectedly; in fact because there are no expectations of people you just meet and never expect to see again. You may find nothing or you may be pleasantly surprised by a warm conversation.

Walking down the street or in the park, you smile at someone coming towards you. They walk past, ignoring you. Maybe they had headphones on, maybe they were caught up in their own thoughts. They could have smiled or nodded and then continued walking, you may wonder.

You turn the corner and another person is walking towards you. They ask about your dog and a brief conversation ensues. Then you both continue on your way, yet a connection was made!

Every day, we can find ourselves in situations involving strangers. Whether brief or extended, making connections are like a breath of fresh air in a world where too many people hide behind barriers when they talk to others, if they talk at all. Your efforts to connect with them only lead to frustration. Connecting is not supposed to be an effort!

In Steven Coveys’ (2004, p.162) bestseller, The 8th Habit, he describes ‘The Speed of Trust” when they are present in relationships.

“Now, what is communication like when there is high trust? It’s easy, it’s effortless, and it’s instantaneous. What about when there is high trust and you make mistakes? They hardly matter. People know you. “Don’t worry about it. I understand.” “Forget it. I know what you mean. I know you.” No technology ever devised can do that. […] “There is nothing as fast as the speed of trust.” […] Ironically it comes from the speed of going slow. With people, fast is slow and slow is fast”.

Go slow!

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