by Allan M. Heller

Created on: November 18, 2011

To wish that people would learn to speak English the way it was meant to be spoken

Perhaps is setting too lofty a standard, ensuring my hopes will be broken

But altogether anathema to me that linguistic prevarication

The vile vernacular, spreading like fungus, is fueling my pontification.

Profuse profanity peppering parlance is now a too common occurrence

To extirpate it with paddle and soap bar, which once were effective deterrents

And someone kindly elucidate for me why people use “guys” for both genders

A sin of sexism I thought would anger some androgynistic defenders.

I don’t know why they insist on repeating “you know” nine or ten times a minute

As if their prattle were some kind of code for a secret that’s hidden within it

Their salutations portend those insipid exchanges most surely to follow

Cacophonies such as “what’s happening, dude?” and dialogue stilted and hollow.

Of all infinitives fading from usage, the death of “to say” makes me saddest

To try replacing “I said” with “I’m like” unquestionably is the maddest

Linguistic lunacy ever invented- it goes far beyond mere unpleasant

There simply are no decent excuses, with so many synonyms present.

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