by Dr. Deborah Bauers

Created on: November 07, 2011   Last Updated: November 15, 2011

Discovering that your child is autistic signifies that you are now faced with finding a way to accept sad news that can threaten to destroy your dreams and replace happiness with consternation and fear. Happiness isn't something that can be restored immediately. Learning that your child is autistic means that you are experiencing a loss. Like all losses, whether tangible or intangible, there is a

grieving process. If you are a parent who has recently discovered that your child has an autistic spectrum disorder, how you grieve will depend upon several factors:

1. How severe your child’s disabilities are

2. How much you understand about how your child’s autism may shape his future

3. How you feel about your life, apart from your discovery

4. The condition of your own physical and mental health

5. Whether you have a good support around you

6. How well you are able to work through your feelings

7. What it means to you to “accept” your child’s disability

Grief recovery is the key that will unlock your feelings of sadness and help you realign your expectations for your child’s future. It takes time and a supportive environment to deal with the myriad of conflicting emotions that are part of loss. You may experience frustration, anger, fear and even hopelessness while you are grieving. These are all normal responses to dealing with the death of dreams, loss of hope and, sometimes, even the realization that you may not have the kind of relationship that you hunger for with your child.

Acceptance is an essential part of coming to terms with having an autistic child, but accepting doesn’t have to mean “settling.” It should involve recognition and acknowledgement to yourself and others about your child’s developmental challenges. Acceptance is the “launching pad” for new dreams and more realistic goals that you and your child can celebrate together. You can help acceptance to grow by focusing on the following:

1. Grieving your loss and letting go of unrealistic expectations

2. Dreaming new dreams and acquiring new hopes for the future

3. Celebrating your child’s strengths while acknowledging his limitations

4. Focusing on who your child is instead of who he may never be

5. Learning all you can about your child’s disabilities and exploring new ideas and treatment protocols to address developmental delays

6. Considering therapy for you and your child( individual  and/or family)  to help meet  emotional, social, and behavioral needs

7. Finding a parent-support group for yourself

8. Remembering that a parent is only a part of who you are and that friendships, hobbies, and time away are all important aspects of your own well-care

Restoration of happiness doesn’t mean that you will wake one day and become a perpetually cheerful person. It certainly doesn’t suggest that you will not continue to experience moments of sadness. It does signify that, by allowing yourself to grieve and then arming yourself with tools to accept and move forward, you can find contentment and take pleasure in the precious moments that will come when you least expect them. This is restored happiness for a parent who has an autistic child.

Learn more about this author, Dr. Deborah Bauers.
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