by Daniel Cloud

Created on: November 04, 2011

Perfection requires you to be three things: totally freaking awesome, be ridiculously good-looking, and having an IQ over 200. To accomplish all three of these requirements is not easy, to say the least.

To acquire awesome status, everyone must love you. You cannot be hated by anyone or anything else. A broken toilet loves you enough to start working again. Women flock to you and fight for the right to be yours. Your car changes its own oil, and celebrities want to be your best friend, and that includes Charlie Sheen.

There is only one known method for achieving such a status with a radiating aura of perfection. It requires that you run for President and use mind control techniques and subliminal messages during speeches and campaign ads. People will suddenly like you for no reason, even if the economy caved in more with the last President. It requires the will to say… “I am a winner and you all love me like God Himself.”

The second component is easy. You can be born with the ugliest mug on the planet. Skilled cosmetic surgeons or human mechanical engineers allow you to select a face from what is called the Perfection Catalog. Once you have made a choice on what face you would like, you get to choose body modifications. There is a catalog for legs, arms, body, head, and what the appropriate matches are to be 100% perfect in looks. Lastly you will need around $5 million for body reconstruction. This aspect holds many people back from reaching physical perfection.

The intelligence quotient is quite hard to achieve as you must first time travel into the future where you will be plugged into a machine that spit feeds information into your brain at the rate of 10,000 encyclopedia articles per second. To gain an IQ of 200 you must be filled with math book after math book of material to such an extent that you can write what others thought to be impossible Calculus equations. You will be so fired up that you can read a book by touching it. You don’t even have to drive your car as you will be able to establish a telepathic link that makes it an organic and living automobile.

So the road to perfection is not easy, but it is possible. Just remember, the three components are, run for President, have $5 million, and have a time machine that transfers you into a world like the Matrix. Only then can you truly be perfect. The only downside is that anything, anybody, and even the spirit world will never leave you alone. You are so perfect that God will challenge you to a myriad of Olympic God Games to prove that you are worthy to be called perfect.

So far only one person has stood their ground, and now Lucifer floats in the spiritual realm of evil. Good luck, because being perfect requires you win the God Olympics. The problem is, you won’t ever win because you don’t have the 4th attribute, the holy might and strength of God. So you might as well just settle for being in the top 1%. This will in turn lead to a rebellion by the other 99%, but hey at least you are in the 99th percentile of perfection.

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