by Carol Gioia

Created on: September 23, 2011

One fear of many parents is that their children might grow up feeling unequal to their siblings in the parents’ affections. One way some parents attempt to combat that fear is to treat their children equally in every way, not realizing that they might actually be encouraging the very feelings they are striving to avoid.

Due to differences in age and temperament, it is not always wise, nor possible, to treat children equally. For example, an appropriate bed time for an eight-year-old would differ from a 3-year-old sibling. What parents need to aim for is to treat their children all fairly, as opposed to striving to treat them equally in the literal sense, so that their children will grow up feeling equally valued and loved.

Ways to make children feel equal:

Let each one shine

Help each of your children to tap into his/her own unique talents and skills. One child might be very active, excelling at sports, while another may be more introverted, preferring intellectual pursuits. Illustrate with your time, attention and praise that one child’s accomplishments are not more important than the other. Provide any supplies and equipment necessary for each child to reach ultimate potential in the pursuit of choice. Be supportive by attending any functions or events that arise surrounding each child’s interests. Children are apt to feel equal in value when their parent’s display interest and pride to the same degree about each child’s chosen claim to fame.

One on one time

Spending one-on-one time with each child, giving healthy doses of individual attention, is apt to nurture self-esteem and mitigate any potential for feelings of jealousy. Children are no different than adults when it comes to wishing to be important and generous amounts of time for talking, venting and bonding is the best way to demonstrate how each child is important in his/her own right, regarded with high value to the family unit.

Reprimand in private

When it is necessary to reprimand one child for some flaw or shortcoming, ensure to do so in private, where other members of the family are not witnessing that individual’s potential humiliation or hurt feelings. Praise and accolades should always be done publicly to instill feelings of pride in accomplishment, while reprimands should be carried out in the exact opposite manner in order to salvage the individual’s dignity and self-esteem.

Encourage teamwork

Encourage children in the family to interact as a team. Everyone does an equal amount of age-appropriate assigned chores for the betterment of family life. Everyone has input when decisions are made about how leisure time will be spent, or where the family will go on vacation. Everyone’s opinions and ideas are listened to and respected. Children should be encouraged to applaud and recognize their siblings achievements. The more children learn to appreciate and celebrate their differences, the less apt they are to feel jealous of one another.

A recommended book on the subject of how to combat sibling rivalry is author, Adele Faber’s “Sibling Rivalry: How to help your children live together so you can live too.”

For additional  suggestions about how to treat children fairly in order for them to feel equal read here.

When children in the family feel equally valued and loved, despite their differences in skills and abilities, a stronger family bond is created, enhancing family life for everyone.

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