by J.B. Hickock

Created on: September 22, 2011

Earth's Review

Greetings, people of Earth, My name is- well, you could not even pronounce it. Just call me 'Joe.'

 I have come from the Galactic Nexus to see your planet, to gauge your accomplishments, to inspect your inventions, and in all, to scrutinize, audit, critique, review, and report upon your species and civilization.

 And I must say, you are an impressive lot.

 Sure you do have some poor points: as a species, you seem to spend almost as much time putting limits on your freedom as striving for it.

 Many of your religions are self-contradictory, and seem to have been thrown together by people wishing only to use your species' remarkable capacity for faith for their own profit.

 Many of you seem to have no appreciation for the simple pleasures of life, and care nothing for anybody but themselves, indiscriminately murdering, stealing from, and economically exploiting their fellows, while your appointed defenders either do nothing, or are themselves mistreated and overworked.

 I very much hope you do not take offense: I wish only to give a complete review of your species and civilization.

 In other respects however, you are quite impressive:

 As I mentioned, you have a remarkable capacity for faith, such that you are capable of deeds that, seen from a purely physical standpoint, seem to be virtually impossible.

 Many individuals among you possess a strong sense of justice and honor; throughout your history, against every tyranny someone has risen to resist; indeed, the most powerful of evils seem to be the ones most stubbornly fought against.

 Your technological and cultural achievements are truly impressive: when given free rein, your inventors, businessmen, clowns and philosophers are capable of producing marvels, such as:

 the wireless telephone, slapstick, the tennis ball, Rock and Roll, the bicycle, Gilbert and Sullivan, steel wool, Rap, soap, the concept of equality of man, pasteurized milk, the eradication of Small Pox, the knock-knock joke, the Diesel engine, the paperback book, the moving picture projector, the loofah, Wellington Boots, the messenger bag, spray-on sunblock-

 And your greatest invention of all: the Flush Toilet.

 Yes, with one brilliant piece of porcelain engineering, you have banished from your homes the greatest disease vector and household irritant of all: with the mere flick of a switch, your distasteful waste is banished from your homes and transported away to facilities where it may be properly disposed of.

 And now, unfortunately, I must leave you, good people of Earth, to return to my home in the Galactic Nexus to turn in my final report. But don't grow complacent: there will be a follow-up examination.

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