by Rachel Howells

Created on: September 01, 2011   Last Updated: September 23, 2011

Time after time Mary found herself caught up in a circle of insanity. It started with a trigger, like maybe a Coors Light commercial. Then it moved to a dull nagging at the back of her brain, like a persistent call for help way in the distance. Next, the nagging inched closer, growing in intensity and persistence, until Mary could hear it perfectly: "Just one drink."

After that, she'd debate herself, often conjuring up AA slogans such as, "It's the first drink that gets you drunk", or "One drink is too many and a thousand not enough". If it looked like reason might win, the physical cravings muscled their way into the debate, ultimately winning the fight. Thereafter, one drink led to twenty. And Mary inevitably awoke in some strange place, with a hangover and no recollection of what despicable thing she must have done.

She came to see herself as trying to survive on a narrow rock ledge projected over a seemingly bottomless canyon. She didn't dare look down into the dark abyss, and instead focused upwards where she could see light along the canyon ridge. Over and over again, she attempted to claw her way up the smooth rock face towards light and safety.

She believed she had the strength and stamina to reach the top if only she concentrated hard enough, always looking ahead at her goal. But every time, just as she was about to pull herself up to flat, solid ground, she lost her grip and went sliding back down, with bits of debris tumbling along with her.

The debris was made up of the pieces of her life – relationships, marriages, babies, jobs, finances, integrity, honor and freedoms. Eventually, it was her body and mind that crumbled with the debris, whenever she again slid down the cliff to her pathetic ledge. Soon there would be nothing left of her, but she kept trying anyway.

Repeatedly, she did this climb and fall routine until she bled and her body shook. She was alone and hopeless, dying of starvation and thirst and devoid of love.

Finally, with no strength left, Mary collapsed in a delirious heap of surrender. She rolled from her splintering perch and fell to the rocky bottom of that dark abyss. And unbelievably, after she recovered from her near fatal landing, she discovered she could stand.

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