by Donna Hamlin

Created on: August 14, 2011

Emotional Abuse: Signs it is There

While there are many forms of abuse, perhaps the most sinister type is emotional abuse. This kind of psychological abuse: 1) is more complicated than physical abuse, 2) creates potential for mental upset, 3) is often more subtle to detect and 4) is typically more difficult for people to understand and break.

Emotional abuse most commonly shows up in communication style. Here are signs to recognize it is happening.

Mind Rape. When a person tells you what you are thinking, assigns you with motives or insinuates what is going on in your head, you are being abused. No one has the right to tell you how your mind works or what direction your thoughts are headed. This form of mental control inhibits any genuine discussion or understanding of each other. Examples of what you might hear are: "You think our son is a looser." "I know where you are headed with your question. Don't bother because it's stupid." "What you mean to say is..." "You are bringing this subject up because you have an ulterior motive." 

People cannot read your mind. If anyone implies he or she can, it is important to stop the person short. Explain "You cannot tell me what or how I think. If you care about me, you can and should ask me instead. I will share my thoughts, but I will not be told what they are by you."

Condescension. These negative assertions, put-downs, critical comments, belittling words are designed to make you feel insecure and confused about your self-worth. People who use this method of abuse are typically low in their own self-worth and deeply immature about how to resolve it. They use putting others down as an unhealthy way to make themselves seem better than others. Expressions you might hear are "You always make a mess of this." "There you go, a failure in the kitchen again." "Why even bother to interview? You'll never get that job." "I knew you would blow it."

Stand up for yourself if someone tries this with you. Tell the person you do not respect people who put others down. It's nonconstructive and unhealthy. Suggest the person get help for this anti-social, hostile communication.

Blaming. When things go wrong, an emotional abuser is quick to assign blame to others. A mature person sorts out a problem and takes time to consider his or her ownership and accountability for it. An unhealthy person disowns it as others' doing and criticizes, yells, and berates others in public.  Typical expressions you might hear are: "I won't work with him because he is an incompetent fool." "Am I the only one here who knows what he is doing?" "I am surrounded by a confederacy of dunces."  This is an misguided attempt by an unhealthy person to convince oneself he or she is significant at the expense of others.

Tell such a person to get counselling. This behavior is in the way of any personal and professional success.

When you hear symptoms of emotional abuse, it is important to signal you do not accept them and will not subject yourself to them. You can set personal boundaries in a candid, kind way without getting self-rightous. If a person errs because he or she is not thinking, raising this can cause the person to reflect and begin a new pattern of communicating. If the problem is more deeply-seeded, then end the relationship. It will only create mental chaos for you and make you unhealthy.

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