by Charles Ray

Created on: July 18, 2011   Last Updated: July 22, 2011

Abuse is an all too common occurrence in society today; physical as well as verbal abuse seems to be the way a lot of people cope with stress and disappointment.  While physical abuse, though often not reported, leaves marks making it relatively easy to detect, verbal and emotional abuse is often invisible to everyone except the target. 

Verbal and emotional abuse are thought to be among the principal causes of low self-esteem, especially in young people, which can lead to children becoming underachievers in their adult life.  Worse, children who are verbally abused, like those who are physically or sexually abused, are often abusers when they mature.

This vicious cycle of abuse has to be recognized and the cycle broken if society is to prevent more broken lives in the future.  Abuse has been recognized as cyclic, meaning that it is a pattern that repeats.  There are two categories of this cycle of verbal abuse, generational and episodic.  Generational abuse is passed on from parents to children, while episodic cycles of abuse are a recurring pattern of abuse in the context of two or more individuals, often within the same family.

Recognizing the cycle of abuse

Abuse often begins with some major abusive behavior such as shouting, screaming, or even threats of physical abuse that are provoked by stress or unhappiness that the abuser cannot deal with.  This is followed by a period of remorse for the abusive behavior, with the perpetrator often going to great lengths to apologize and make amends.  This behavior is sometimes accompanied by promises not to repeat the behavior.  Often there will be an extended period of normal behavior, with the abuser appearing to be living up to the promise not to fall back into the pattern of abuse.  Over a period of time, as stressful situations occur, the abuser will again become irritated, and little by little, the abusive behavior will resurface.

This chain or cycle of behavior:  Calm-Tension-Abuse-Reconciliation-Calm can go on and on unless both the abuser and his victim seek outside help.  Often, the victim of such abuse fails or refuses to recognize what is happening, and blames herself, much as children or spouses who are physically abused often feel that they are at fault and have done something wrong to deserve the abuse they receive. 

The first step in breaking the verbal abuse cycle is for the victims to accept the fact and set limits on behavior they will accept.  The abusers must accept personal responsibility for the abusive patterns of behavior and recognize that they are taking out their frustration on others.  Professional counseling is often necessary to help both victim and abuser work through their situation.

Allowing a cycle of verbal abuse to continue has repercussions beyond the damage it can do to a victim’s self-esteem.  Verbal abuse, left untreated, can escalate to physical violence, which can be life-threatening.  Both abuser and abused have a shared responsibility to solve their problem before it goes beyond a point of salvation.

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