The term "emotional intelligence" is fairly recent, but this ability that some people seem to have more than others is far from new. It's basically the ability to "read" what others are feeling (without them having to tell you) and altering your behavior accordingly. Or, to reduce it to even simpler terms, it's the ability to truly put yourself in someone else's shoes. Those who have it also have the edge when it comes to any relationship, whether it be personal or business.

So how can we as parents help our children develop this emotional intelligence, this sensitivity to others? There are a few steps we can take to set us off in the right direction:

1) Teach your child earlier rather than later to consider the other person's feelings. Yes, when little Kevin, aged 18 months, whacks his little buddy on the head with his favorite hammer, it's time to make the point very clearly: little buddy is hurt, he is crying, you made him cry when you whacked him on the head. It's probably too early to try and get your child to imagine how he would feel, but he can certainly be aware that his actions most certainly affect others.

2) As your child gets older, and more verbal, spend time with her trying to guess how other people are feeling just by looking at them: their facial expressions, their posture, their ability to make eye contact, etc... Some children are naturally better at this than others, particularly if they already have a sensitive character. Others need a lot of practice. And some children just need to be taught the basic premise that other people's feelings are important, just as important as their own.

3) Model empathetic behavior. Kids learn so much by what they see their parents do and say. If they see Mom baking some cookies to take to a neighbor who just "seems a little quiet lately", they are learning that Mom senses that something may not be right with the neighbor and is going to try and make her feel a little better. On the other hand, if a child hears Dad telling Mom about the new guy at work who's such a weenie because he won't join all the guys for drinks after work, the child will soon decide that if other people don't act in the way that he wants, there's something wrong with them and he has the right to belittle them for it.

4) Use opportunities to get your older children to imagine how they would feel if they were in another person's shoes. This is particularly effective when they are the ones that initiate the conversation and remark on some unusual behavior or appearance. It's very easy for intelligent children, especially, to become slightly arrogant and unsympathetic to those who may be in less fortunate circumstances. This is the time to get them to talk about how they imagine this person's life to be, and how they would handle it in their shoes.

In the end, it's really about getting our kids to see that every other person on this planet is just as important as they are, and so are their feelings.

Learn more about this author, Lucy Bond.
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