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ST. PATRICK'S DAY PUB-CRAWL: HOW TO COME OUT ALIVE

The secret to a successful and safe St. Patrick's Day pub-crawl involves a few simple steps. Crawl along with me, Lads and Lassies, on a practice run and ye shall be all ready for next time.

First, remember this rule of thumb. The more ye drink, the drunker ye get. The drunker ye get, the more ye crawl. The more ye crawl, the less ye should drive.

KEYPOINT: The reason they call it a pub-crawl if because ye should WALK from bar to bar. And when ye can no longer walk, ye crawl! Never, never bring yer vehicle. And for God's sake, don't drive anyone elses!

Second rule is for every two drinks, have a bottle of water. Why defeat the purpose of all that alchohol by diluting it? Easy! Ye can drink longer and not get sick.

KEYPOINT: Make sure the water doesn't have whiskey in it.

Third, dance and sing-along with the music! Irish music is made to enjoy and if there's no Irish music in the pubs ye are crawlin' to, for Gawd's sake, crawl to another pub immediately. Besides, the more ye sing and dance, the less booze ye have to buy and the less chance ye have of developin' a case of alcohol poisoning or at the very least, one helluva hangover.

KEYPOINT: 'Tis no pub-crawl without proper Irish tunes.

Fourth, smile at everyone ye see. Lads, keep yer hands off the ladies and ladies, no flirtin' with the fellas who are taken. Do not spill yer drink on the patron sittin' next to ye. Do not blow smoke in their face, argue with them about politics, or insist they give ye their address and phone number so ye can stop by anytime in the near future. In plain language, keep yer nose clean and stay outta fights.

KEYPOINT: Ye are here for a pub-crawl not a pub-brawl. Mind yerself.

So there ye have it. Follow my four easy rules for a safe pub-crawl and yer first will be as successful as yer last.

HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!

Learn more about this author, Loretta Murphy-Birster.
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