I don't want to worry anyone, but America is soft. Softer then left out butter. Why do I say that? 9,137 schools have banned dodgeball.

I'm not joking either. Including school districts in New York, Texas, Utah, and Virginia. Many more are thinking about it too. Like Cecil County, Maryland, where the school board wants to ban any game with "human targets." Personally, I wouldn't mind if these people would go play with their peace doves and Birkenstocks.

This makes no sense. "Human targets?" What's tag? What's a snowball fight? What's a close play at second base? Neil Williams, a professor at Eastern Connecticut State, says dodgeball "encourages the strong to target the weak." No way! You mean there are strong and weak in life. I've always looked at dodgeball as one of the first ways to figure out which one of these you are and what you're gonna do about it!
Many of these New Age wieners say dodgeball is terrible in the wake of all the school shootings of the last 15 years. Forget that! Dodgeball is one of the few times is school you can let out your aggressions. We don't need less dodgeball in schools, we need more.
I know what all these NPR-listening, Starbucks-guzzling parents want. They want their little Ambers and their Alexanders to grow up in a cozy womb of non-competition. The world where everyone sips tea and tells stories about Little Red Riding Hood and the Big Bad Wolf starting their own book club.
Of course, after they're done with that world they're hit by the harsh reality of the real one. We all know who these kids are. They're the ones who end up filling chalupas at your local Taco Bell. How's that for non-competitive.
Of course, all these honey crusted nut bars aren't stopping at Dodgeball. They're also targeting "musical chairs" and "duck duck goose." If we let the Wuss Corporation of America have these, we'll also have to let go of the following:
Tag. Referring to any child as it is downgrading and hurtful. Instead of "You're it!" we recommend, "You're special!"
Red Rover. Inappropriate labeling of children as animals. Also, the use of the word red evokes Communist undertones.
Sardines. Unfairly leaves one child alone at the end as the loser - a term psychologists have deemed unacceptable.
Hide-and-seek. No child need hide nor be sought. The modern child runs free in search of himself.
Baseball. Involves wrong-headed notions of stealing, errors and gruesome hit-and-run. Players should always be safe, never out.
Hopscotch. It Sounds vaguely alcoholic, not to mention demeaning to our friends across the pond.
Marbles. Winning others' marbles is overly capitalistic.
Marco Polo. Mocks the blind.
Capture the flag. Mimics war.
Kick the can. Unfair to the can.
If we let the pansy parade have their day of fun, we'll be left with these:
Duck-duck-duck. Teacher spends the entire hour patting each child softly on the head.
Upsy down. The entire class takes turns fluffing the gym teacher's pillow before her nap.
Swedish baseball. Players are allowed free passage to first, second or third, where they receive a relaxing two-minute massage from opposing players.
Smear the mirror. Students take turns using whipped cream to smear parts of their reflection they don't like, e.g., the fat they have accrued from not doing anything in gym class!

Learn more about this author, Rodney Peterson.
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