by Kenneth Andrews

Created on: May 29, 2011

If you are frequently the victim of insults but are not sure how to respond, you have to at least entertain the possibility that you're an unpopular and possibly hideous moron with less wit than an owl with a sore throat. In the interests of evening out the odds a little in the battle of the barbs, however, below are a few comebacks which you could consider throwing into the conversation as and when appropriate. You're still an unpopular moron, but now you'll be pummelled black and blue outside bars every evening. Result.

Obviously any putdown should ideally be tailored to the insult that prompted it, so the following ideas will be fairly generic. For further information on matching comebacks to insults, it is highly recommended that the diligent social pariah check out the Monkey Island graphic adventure games.

"Damn, I was about to do my impression of a [suitably unpleasant word] but you beat me to it."

"I don't believe it, I'm being insulted by the shallow end of the gene pool."

"If brains were dynamite, you couldn't blow Bill Clinton. But you'd try."

"Stop flapping your buttcheeks and give your mouth a chance, foreskin face."

(While pointing at insulter's partner) "Is that your girlfriend? Yeah? Small world."

"Interesting point, but frankly you're a waste of a human soul."

"That's not what your Mom said last night."

"If your IQ was any lower, you'd need watering."

"Are you wearing that face for a bet?"

"It's brave of you to come out so soon after the lobotomy."

"If the Creatonists met you, they'd start burning Bibles."

"What's the difference between you and a sack of warm sick? Let me know if you come up with anything."

"I wouldn't want you to think I wasn't paying attention, but frankly I've had more interesting bowel movements."

"That insult's older than your Mom's last orgasm."

"I'm not taking that from a person so unpopular they have to organise their own surprise birthday parties. People look out for your name in the papers, you know. Because they hope you've died."

"You look like you've been crying, did you see yourself in a mirror?"

"The difference between you and AIDS is that one day they might cure AIDS."

"The only person who ever missed you was the abortionist."

If you're just reading this for a bit of a giggle, some of the above might look a bit harsh. If you genuinely want advice on responding to insults, however, the truth is that anyone insulting you in a social situation is running you down in order to boost their own social status within a group. So hit back immediately, hit back hard, and if possible make them cry. And they will never ever insult you again. They might beat you up, but there's undoubtedly online advice for that eventuality as well.

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