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Why We Parent the Way We Do

As we approach our children in love and discipline, it is important to understand why we parent the way we do. Our parenting style, is an extension of who we are in the world and what the world has done to us. If we have been continually disappointed in relationships, and too many withdrawals have been made from our own love tank, it is realistic to assume that our parenting style will be negatively impacted.

The greater the sense of inadequacy, the greater the sense of fear as we approach childrearing. The greater the fear the more manipulative and overprotective our parenting style becomes. If we are insecure in our parenting abilities, the more threatening our child's misbehavior becomes. An insecure parent will often lash out in inconsistent discipline, causing the parent to become even more insecure in their parenting abilities. The more secure a person is with them self, the less threatened they will be when the child acts out. A secure parent is more proactive than reactive.

It is difficult, if not impossible to change our parenting style without first taking an inside look at why we are the way we are. What are the deep longings and disappointments of your life? Until we understand how our own deep longings effect us, we will not be able to deal with our children's needs.
Most parents feel trapped in their style of parenting, but the good news is that we all have the ability to change. The key to change is starting from the inside out. Our focus then becomes not on changing external things, which will always disappoint, but in changing our own internal dialog. When we are open to reflection on relational disappointments, we can begin to move past our fears and into confident parenting abilities.

It is important to remember that people, all people, are imperfect, and thus everyone is at one time or another effected by imperfect and disappointing relationships. All parents, in some way or another disappoint their children. This is not to place blame on our own parents, but to recognize and understand that we have all experienced some profound disappointments in life.

The parent child relationship carries with it the greatest potential for pain, since children naively believe their parents to be faultless in order to maintain stability in their world. The tragedy of this is that parents, because we live in a fallen world, will always fail to meet the core longing of their child's heart. It is through these painful disappointments that children begin to form core beliefs about people and the world.

Most parents focus on their children's behavior as the source of their feelings of inadequacy, but these are merely surface issues. Our children's behavior does not make us insecure, but rather it is the child's behavior that threatens to expose our deepest and most painful fears that we are inadequate and ultimately rejectable. The more fearful a parent feels, the more destructive their parenting style.

One of the most important things we can do for our children is to understand who we are and why we react the way we do. It is only when we as parents open ourselves up substantial reflection can we begin to challenge the fears within and move into our children's lives in a non-threatening way.

Learn more about this author, Maddie Morgan.
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