by Jill Riddle

Created on: March 16, 2007   Last Updated: May 11, 2007

While driving down a trail that was shaded by trees, the sun was still bright in the sky, lighting my path with triangle diamonds of light. It was peaceful, church peaceful, with my radio blaring out "Sweet Home Alabama," trying to drown out my own thoughts, but not really succeeding.

It had been 6 months since my husband of eight years had walked out to be, of all things, a biker. Since then I haven't felt any real direction. The "what ifs" and "I should," always playing havoc with me.

I was coming down a hill, rounding a corner, when I saw her. A scared doe had jumped one side of the fence that followed the trail on both sides. Stopping my car I waited for her to run up the path. The deer was terrified, first darting one way, then another. I kept hoping she would calm down and realize there was no real threat. But still she danced, back and forth, her eyes not focusing on anything. She was now literally bouncing off the wire fences, like a ball bouncing off the bumpers of a pinball machine, never knowing which direction the force would take it. Watching, I was totally powerless to offer any real help.

Her panic lasted only a minute, although if felt like a lifetime. With one last attempt she threw herself into the wire fence. That's all it took, her body flipped over the fence like it was weightless. Her throat was now tangled in the wire. there she hung, her body involuntarily twitching. I couldn't help her, not without risk of getting hurt myself.

I watched this horrible scene, unable to believe that it was happening. The beautiful creature was now hanging lifeless. I had to take a deep breath, like the kind you take so you don't start crying. Still, I could feel my eyes filling with tears, and for the first I released my tight grip from the steering wheel, to wipe my tears. It's a shame that this animal didn't know it wasn't in any danger. Only her panic brought her to this point.

Then it occurred to me, this deer was like me. Since my husband left, my mind had been going in the same manner. How long, if I didn't slow down, would it be before I too hung myself? Turning down the radio, my hands shaking, and resting my head on the steering wheel, I started to cry, slowly at first, but soon I was sobbing, unable to catch my breath. I kept telling myself to get it together. After all it was just a dumb animal, but I knew that I had seen too much of myself.

Now when I get that panicked feeling, I stop myself and thing of that deer. There is no real danger, if I remember to pay attention to the direction I'm going.

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