by S D Rios

Created on: March 16, 2007   Last Updated: May 15, 2007

Whether your child says "I hate you", "I don't like you", "You're mean", or stands up to you in some less overt manner, this is simply a sign of the growing independence that your child is developing. In a strange way, you should see this newfound voice as your child's achievement of another developmental milestone, as upsetting as their hateful comments might be.

At the age of five or six, most children are not yet able to express their displeasure or anger in socially acceptable terms all of the time. Instead of coming up with "I don't like the fact that you are making me sit here and eat these lima beans" or whatever the case might be, they blurt out "I hate you." It's simple and direct and shows the intense anger they are feeling at the moment. Toddlers throw tantrums and might bite, hit, or pout, while older children begin to use the power of words to show their anger. This is progress. Young children don't understand the true concept of "hate" nor its implications when used against others. They have heard us and others around them use the term loosely - "I hate it when people throw trash on the ground", "I hate it when telemarketers call during dinner" and so on and know that it is associated with intense displeasure, but don't understand its more hurtful implications.

Rather than feeling hurt and angry about what your child has said, recognize their anger. Offer an understanding ear. "I understand you are very angry about ... but instead of saying hate, you should explain exactly what is making you so upset." Work through the crisis and let it go. As your child matures, they will stop saying "hate" and be able to argue their point in a much more sophisticated and complex manner. Then we're in trouble! :)

Learn more about this author, S D Rios.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.