by Jay Bamber

Created on: April 14, 2011

I see you. I see the good things about you and I acknowledge the bad. I know who you are and I understand the baggage of your past, your hopes for the future and the place that you occupy in the world. You make me feel good and bad and, armed with all that knowledge, I make the conscious decision to share my life with you. I want embrace your existence as intrinsically linked with mine. 

That's basically what a relationship constitutes - a stepping forward of two parties and a choice to share some fragment of your day with them. By this definition friendships and romantic relationships are not that far apart; both demand an understanding of the other party and an acceptance of their characteristics, attractive or not. The line is fine and easily crossed. 

The obvious marker is that of intimacy both emotional and physical. Whilst many people would argue that they are emotionally intimate with their friends; that they share their daily grievances, their troubles and triumphs with those that they go for drinks with after work, it seems hard to argue that friends share a physical intimacy. We don't open our bodies up to friends in the way we would a lover; the level of comfort is not the same, the level of attraction is not as intense. Unless it is. 

What if the level of sexual attraction is too strong to ignore, yet the idea of a relationship is out-of-the-question? It's the premise of hundreds of Hollywood romantic comedies but its also a recurring theme in many people's daily interactions, but when flirting moves into the actual act it has to have repercussions on the friendship. These can be catastrophic; lunches punctuated by unbearable silences and an inability to look at each other without blushing madly. Thats the thing about sex - it tends to change the parameters. When the friendship has devolved into this it is not only embarrassing for the two directly involved but also the friendship group around them which leads to a swift shift in the dynamic. There is more to think about than simply the sex act, the consequences affect more than just the partners.

However, if both parties are mature and consenting, it seems ridiculous that there should be such awkwardness. Nobody was taken advantage of, what transpired was simply a biological act which was, presumably, mutually enjoyable. Sex becomes an issue when it made into one. The key, it seems to me, is discussion. It's not shameful, so rip off the mask of guilt. Sometimes, when we are not sure of our own feelings, we radiate and project an aggression that we simply don't feel; when we realize this it is easy to see why we can create a hostel atmosphere the morning-after-the-night-before. Ask yourself: how do I feel about this? Was I treated with the respect I would expect from a friend? By not knowing how we feel, we can all too easily misinterpret someone else's actions and emotions.  Talk to each other in private. Keep it private if you want to, or shout it from the roof tops. This is a time, although admittedly not the ideal time, to band together and reinforce the things that made you friends in the first place. 

Sex does change things, it just doesn't have to change everything. 

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