by Boneca

Created on: March 15, 2007   Last Updated: October 31, 2008

I think I was born depressed. What I mean is that for as long as I can acctually remember, I have always been this sad person. I can remember being seven years old and crying while listening to music alone in my room. My depression became worse with age and a fear of growing up and having to live in the real world. I somehow managed to hide my depression throughout my teens even though when I think bak I can still see myself crying in my room because I was such a failure. I hated the way I looked, the way I dressed, everything about me. My parents wanted me to be something I was not and to this day this still bothers me. Now in my 20's, I finally can't cope anymore. I had a boyfriend a few years ago and I just became obsessed with him. I was obsessed of having someone to depend on and not having to pay attention to myself. He broke up with me a short time later and you can assume how I reacted. I still think about what happened and how I was hurt when I found out he moved on. The sad part about all of this is that I developed such a dependency for him that I let it take over my entire life. I then was so lost that I needed love from any guy. I never got into the promiscuous behavior that some womenend up with, but I was definitely going in that direction. The last straw was when I went to the Caribbean and fell in love with a guy there. For most, a summer love is simply that. For myself, I thought I was in love with him. This is what I do. I just want to be Dependant on someone so bad that in the end all it does is hurt me. When I came back home I was severely depressed. I couldn't get out of bed and all I did was cry. My mother didn't understand why I was so sad. According to her, I had everything in the world. She is right about this but I guess it simply wasn't enough. Presently I still fall into depression and have a hard time getting back up. I'm in a relationship right now but when we first started dating I wanted to break up because I was scared. I was lucky because he never gave up on me. I admit that my boyfriend has to deal with a lot when it comes to me. Depression isn't something you just turn off and move on. For me, depression is a life long battle to keep moving forward. Lately when I have a problem I just fall into this alternate planed where I can't speak, move, or think. It's a scary place and I hate going there. I'm now on Prozac because I have wanted to hurt myself physically in these last few months that have passed. A few years ago my depression was still manageable. I remember reading in magazines that you should treat your depression early in life, otherwise by the time you hit your mid-twenties you will crash and burn. This is exactly what happened to me. For years I refused to go see a psychologist. I just wanted to be alone in my world. My mother finally dragged me to one when she realized that I was too deep to get out by myself. Going to the psychologist was a great thing for me personally. She made me realize things I needed to deal with that I didn't even know were a problem. I'm not saying that therapy is good for everyone but it is sort of working for me. Sometimes I still don't go because I just hate sharing my problems out loud. I like to keep things to myself and that's where the problems become even more problematic. The medication seems to be working too but I just hate the fact that I have to take these pills. I'm just scared about when I stop taking them. Then what will happen? I think I will still have these depressive thoughts. Maybe I will just know how to manage them better.

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