Losing a job is easy; losing it with style is another matter altogether. Anyone can call in sick every day, or sleep at their desk, or be totally unproductive. All of these things will cause you to lose your job.

But let's get creative about getting fired. Here are a few suggestions:

1. Delete every e-mail you receive without reading it first. This adds a real element of surprise to your day, and the perplexed look on your face when asked about the status of a project will send your boss running to his computer to verify that he did indeed send you the e-mail. This tactic will take some time to bear fruit, but it will be worth it.

2. Declare Wednesdays as Casual Scuba Gear Day. Wear flippers, or a wetsuit, or even an oxygen tank. Once the company realizes there is nothing in the dress code prohibiting scuba gear, they'll revise the policy and start sending you home.

3. Start a porn website from work. The fluorescent lighting isn't the greatest, but you can requisition better lights from the supply department. Recruiting coworkers will definitely violate company policy. When your boss asks why there are naked people in your office, look at him and scream "Get out! We're filming here!" (You should check the laws in your state/city before attempting this; you want to get fired, not imprisoned.)

4. Inform your Human Resources department that you have converted to Rastafarianism, and that your new beliefs require you to face Kingstown five times a day while smoking a huge joint. The HR drones will anguish for days over persecution of religious beliefs until a file clerk reminds them that smoking pot is illegal.

5. Try to organize a union. This may not seem funny at first, but suggest it to anyone in management in my part of the country and it will produce both hysterical laughter and a pink slip.

6. In the middle of a staff meeting, stand up, announce loudly that you have lost twenty minutes of your life that you will never get back, and then walk out. You may have to do this over the course of several meetings.

7. Sub-contract your job out to a different day laborer each day. Be sure to have the replacement insist that they are you, and give them your keys, passwords, and anything else they need to act like they're doing your job. The one possible downside is that not only do you not get fired, no one even notices the difference.

8. Drape a Soviet flag on your wall, place framed pictures of Che Guevara and Fidel Castro on your desk, and start wearing fatigues and a beret. Constantly chew on a cigar, and tell your boss that "Come the revolution...", letting the thought trail off menacingly.

If none of these tactics get you fired, then you obviously work for the government.

Learn more about this author, Bruno Somerset.
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