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A sudden fatal heart attack stole my beloved father from me in 1991. Just like that, I was left with only one parent, and oh what a parent she is: my mentally-ill, manipulative, physically and mentally disabled, abusive, and alcoholic mother. It is hard enough choosing an appropriate Mother's Day card every year for someone like her, much less sticking with my decision to be responsible for her care, and to try to maintain a relationship of some kind with her. It would be so much easier, and maybe even make more sense, to just turn my back on her after all of the pain and torment she has caused for so many people over the years, especially for me.

It is difficult for any adult to endure being mistreated by an elderly parent who has developed dementia or other problems in old age after a lifetime of being a loving parent. But the decision to care for a mother who has never been kind, loving, caring, or supportive to me as a daughter is a challenging matter indeed. It would be so easy to simply decide that I owe her nothing.

Many, many times in my adult life, I have been faced with the question: "Why should I care for my mother?" Friends and others have asked me why I stick with it, and believe me, I have pondered this question deeply myself. When a parent has been abusive or is estranged from their son or daughter, it is hard to see what obligation remains.

However, in my case, I have made a true commitment to take care of my mother, even though it is a tremendous burden and causes me emotional distress - and even though she certainly does not merit such a commitment from me, given her history. Why would I put myself through this? Well, allow me to share with you some of the reasons WHY I HAVE CHOSEN TO TAKE CARE OF MY DIFFICULT MOTHER . . .

REASON #1: She suffered brain damage in a botched suicide attempt years ago. She is also seriously mentally ill. Therefore, to a certain extent she cannot help the way she is. I can never be certain how much of her selfish, abusive, demanding behavior is within her power to control, and how much is attributable to her disability. It's like dealing with a little child. I must therefore assume that overall, she can't be held responsible for her inexcusable behavior.

REASON #2: There is no one else. My siblings are either unwilling to take on the burden, or simply have cut all ties with her. I do feel an obligation, since she literally has no one else.

REASON #3: The infamous "Golden Rule." If I were in her situation, would there be anyone willing to shoulder the burden of my care? I would hope so.

REASON #4: This reason is probably related to all three of the others. I choose to take care of my mother because I could not live with myself if I did not. Guilt, obligation, duty, co-dependence; call it what you will, I do it because I feel that it is simply the "right" thing to do. I do set firm boundaries with her, and I do try to protect myself and my feelings as much as possible in my dealings with her. But the bottom line is that I just can't imagine how I would live with myself, or look at my face in the mirror every morning, if I turned my back on her at this time in her life. When all is said and done, she is still my mother.

I can't say that I take care of her because she has always taken care of me.
-She hasn't.
I can't say that I take care of her because she was always there for me.
-She wasn't.
I can't say that I do it because she is appreciative and grateful.
-She isn't.
And I can't say that I take care of her because it is rewarding.
-It is not.

So why do I care for my mother?

Well, I have my reasons.

Learn more about this author, Olivia Cassio.
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