by Robin Tidwell

Created on: March 15, 2011   Last Updated: March 16, 2011

Reconnecting with adult children can be a very difficult thing to do, sometimes impossible, and much depends upon the cause of the rift in the first place.

You may know the exact day or time that the estrangement occurred, and the reason for it, or you may have simply drifted apart.  It may be your fault, your decision, or it could be something your adult child did of which you disapproved or something for which he blamed you.

Initially, the reason is unimportant.  The first step to take is the hardest – that of reconnecting.  You may or may not know where your child is living or working; it doesn’t matter, there are many ways of finding your child.  Public records, the Internet, friends, and other family members may all know his whereabouts.

The next step is the form of communication.  Again, there are many ways to do this: phone, text, email, Facebook or other social networking website.  Even an old-fashioned letter will do the job.

Finally, you must know what to say.  If you know you are at fault, apologize; your apology will be in direct relation to how badly you want to reconnect.  In other words, do you want to reconnect, or do you want to be right?  Don’t offer a half-hearted apology, be sincere, and don’t qualify it in any way. 

If you think your adult child is the one who offended you, or misled you, or lied to you, you can decide if you want to tentatively reach out; but don’t expect him to admit he’s wrong or hinge your reconnection on his possible apology.  If you want to reconnect, you may have to do so on his terms.

Don’t push it, and don’t expect too much too soon.  Your initial contact might just be a short call or email.  It might involve a longer conversation; don’t rush, let him say what he has to say.

If you’ve simply drifted apart, do as you would for any friend with whom you’ve perhaps lost touch.  Start with a friendly “hello” and a brief update on your life, and wait for a response.  No response doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to hear from you, it may just not arrive when or however soon you expect it.  Try again.  Keep things light, and ask some questions.  While you don’t want to appear nosy or intrude, you do want to have a conversation; that involves some give and take on both sides.

He may, after all, be shocked to hear from you; he may be wondering how to respond.  And he may, of course, make the decision not to reconnect at all.  This is something for which you must be prepared.  Don’t give up but, again, don’t push the issue.  A relationship takes two people to want and to work toward.

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