by Randi Miller

Created on: March 14, 2007   Last Updated: May 06, 2007

My ex-girlfriend and I broke up after following our relationship to its logical and yet grotesque conclusion, and while it was foretold by her behavior over three tumultuous years, it still crushed me, and it still broke my heart.

She deceived me in an effort to protect me, but deceived me nonetheless. She cheated on me, and I knew she had, but for some reason I just couldn't let that stop me from adoring her.

Why?

Because she touched me in places nobody had ever touched me before, and in spite of her, I never doubted her love for me.There was a tremendous abiding love in her eyes when she looked at me. Her looks of love made me feel like I was in a microwave, melting from the inside, and it was the best feeling in the world. She had her issues, and for reasons we were both painfully aware of from the beginning, she was simply unable to follow her heart. But she did love me, she just didn't know how to love me ... and she really knew me.

She knew my tastes in food, clothing, music, television, and perfume. She knew my routines, my quirks, my strong suits and my weaknesses. But more importantly, she knew who I was.

Its amazing how complacent one can grow when comforted by the knowledge that we are "known." Its not an overnight sensation, but one that can take years, and its much like learning to play an instrument. Difficult at first, hard to know where to put one's fingers in order to produce a pleasant sound, but with effort and practice, melodious tunes seem to flow freely just by wishing it to be so. For the most part, that is. I'm certainly not suggesting that any relationship is easy, but I will say that when one puts forth the effort, knowing someone (and being known) so well certainly helps.

And when the relationship sinks into the bowels of the infamous sea in which there are purportedly lots of other fish, its hard not to miss the easy comfort that comes from having truly gotten to know one another.

And every time I encounter someone new who insists on merely measuring me for the coffin which holds her past relationship and refuses to bother looking to see who I really might be, I desperately miss my ex.

Its sad because it makes me miss someone who lied to me, cheated on me, and broke my heart.

Feeling dismissed, disregarded and disrespected makes me miss feeling loved. Funny how I never gave it much thought otherwise.

Its really sad when people are such disappointments that they make me miss someone who brought me so much pain. I suppose this clarifies the phrase "out of the frying pan, into the fire." Unfortunately it also poses questions about why I find myself still so comforted by memories of what was ultimately an unhealthy relationship. Like anything, I suppose, after a while we tend to remember the bits that made us feel good and let the bad drift away.

And I guess it would bring great comfort to my loving but issue-ridden ex, who has suddenly become the unthinkable: the lesser of two evils.

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