by Tracey Parece

Created on: March 02, 2011   Last Updated: March 05, 2011

One of the most difficult things about becoming a newlywed is learning how to deal with an overbearing mother-in-law.  The first thing to consider is that your mother-in-law’s actions really have nothing to do with you.  Her personality was formed many decades before you even met your mother-in-law, so you should understand that her overbearing nature is not your fault.

Just as you need to accept your mother-in-law’s overbearing behavior has nothing to do with you, you also need to accept that you are not going to be able to change her.  If you and your mother-in-law do not have an easy relationship, that may change with time.  However, you cannot expect her to change her underlying nature.  As they say, a tiger can’t change its stripes.

After you have accepted that her  ways are incredibly unlikely to change, you are still faced with the problem of  how to deal with an overbearing mother-in-law.  Assuming that ignoring her altogether is not an option that you have, or even want, you will need to treat the problem with patience and kindness.

Patience, kindness, and understanding are by far the most important weapons in your arsenal when it comes to successfully dealing with an overbearing mother-in-law.  Patience will help your relationship with her as well as your relationship with your spouse.  Best of all, patience will help you to handle the situation with less stress in your life.  

Kindness is a good tactic in just about any situation.  Rather than arguing with your mother-in-law when she tries to take over or interfere, you should thank her for her input.  You should even implement your mother-in-law’s ideas whenever possible.  This will make her feel that her concerns and input are actually being heard.  By giving in to your mother-in-law’s demands at times, you may actually find that she is less likely to try to exert control on you and your spouse.

Of course, there will be many situations where you will find yourself unable to acquiesce to your mother-in-law’s demands.  The biggest conflicts often occur once you have children and begin raising a family of your own.  Let your mother-in-law know that you understand her position on child rearing, but that you would like the opportunity to raise your children in the best way that you see fit.

Explain your reasons behind your decisions in a calm, patient, and kind manner.  For example, if you don’t permit your children to overindulge in candy, but your mother-in-law brings over bags of Hershey’s Kisses every time she visits, you may have to explain your concerns about childhood obesity, diabetes, or whatever other concerns you may have.   Once she is faced with the rational and factual information you used to make your decisions, she may be more accepting and willing to relinquish control.

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