by Allen Teal

Created on: March 13, 2007   Last Updated: April 23, 2007

Abuse rarely starts within the marriage relationship. In one form or another, the abuse most of the time begins during dating and courtship. One partner begins to assert their will over and above the will of the other. While this may not smack of abuse to most people, this struggle for power lays the foundational work for abusive behavior. When one partner always caves in to the demands of the other, the stronger person will begin to take greater and greater advantage of the weaker one.

With the decline in power for one partner, comes an increase in the willingness of the aggressor to make the demands more frequent and more demeaning. This slowly erodes the confidence and self-esteem of the one being abused. If the cycle is not broken before the stronger person can isolate the weaker, psychological abuse will become overt. Words like stupid, idiot, worthless, useless, etc. along with cursing will beat on the mind of the weaker partner like a hammer.

If alcohol or drugs are involved, the abuse will ratchet up farther and faster. The introduction of knives or guns or financial control will create a fear situation that will exacerbate the decline of the one who is abused.

A form of slavery will remove the final shreds of the will to resist or leave from many victims. They regard themselves as "needing" the stronger partner to exist because they believe that in their worthless condition no one will want them. They will feel unable to fend for themselves. This dependency usually seals their fate that physical abuse will occur.

Physical abuse will begin with a slap or a shove. If demands aren't met quickly enough or the abuser perceives that troubles in their relationship or life can be blamed on their slave-like partner, extreme violence will happen. Beatings are followed by a showing of remorse and enabling the one abused to hide until the marks of the abuse heal. Then the cycle will repeat. If children are in the home, the abuse will frequently spread to them.

Usually, only a severe intervention or death ends the abuse. Either the abuser dies or does something to cause the death of the other partner. Sometimes, this leads to the weaker one committing suicide. An intervention that gives the victim a way out and up is the only hope of ending the abuse once it has escalated to physical violence. He or she will need protection from the abuser and from the temptation to return to the horrible plight.

While we generally think of men beating women, in today's society a small but increasing minority of abuser are the women. They can become just as dangerous as the men. Usually, instead of being the physically weaker member, the man will have strong internal prohibitions against fighting back against the woman. The woman will capitalize on this and the dilemma is on.

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