by Barry Parham

Created on: February 06, 2011

National Weekday Month

(The new 13-page Zodiac-adjusted calendar! Now with Octemberary!)

Universe Experts are trying to convince us that, after a short 23,000-year snooze, the Zodiac moved.

Maybe the Zodiac had a bad dream, or got a leg spasm. Or maybe these experts got a severe head injury after getting kicked by a Zodiac leg spasm.

My guess is that these people sell Zodiac memorabilia, and are trying to recover from a slump. So I've thought of a way for you and me to make some money. A way to get in on this spike in astrology action.

Since the sky's shifted, I'm guessing it's high time somebody created an updated companion calendar. Remember, there are now 13 star signs! So I'll get to work on a new 13-month calendar, and you go round up one more underage nubile bikini-clad Female-Curve-Exhibit dysfunctionally posed on a motorcycle, or a tanned half-naked fireman.

Right now, you might be thinking, "Hey! Who died and made YOU Calendar King?" Or you might not. You might be thinking about firemen, or Curve Exhibits. But, in any case, let's review how we got stuck with our current calendar. For our intellectual journey, we'll turn to the Internet. (That last sentence, of course, is its own joke.)

The first Julian calendar was chiseled in 45 BC (literal translation: "Before X-mas"). But other people, who also sell calendars, refer to that same year as 709 AUC ("Anno Urbis Conditae"), while still others think the year was 753 AUC ("A lot of Useless Calendars").

These calendar squabbles, carbon-dating games and price wars went on for Cs of years, until the Dollar Store was invented in the year 537 AUD ("All Under a Dollar"). For the first time, calendars were made available to the general public, so now even regular folk could be late for stuff, too.

And all went well for about IV minutes, until an outbreak of Emperor Justinian resulted in a decree to correct a Late Antiquity (literal translation: "Daylight Savings Time"), which ultimately didn't matter much, given that the bubonic plague outbreaked around 540 AD ("A lot of Doom").

But something was still off. Earlier, in 248 AD ("Attention Deficit"), Philip the Arab (apparently, in the year 248, there was just the one Arab) had celebrated the First Millennium of Rome, together with Ludi saeculares (literal translation: "ludicrous Super Bowl ticket prices") for Rome's alleged tenth 110 years. And it was just this kind of meaningless, mind-numbing tripe that made people call it the "Dark Ages."

Then, in 1582 AD,

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