by Alison Tennant

Created on: February 06, 2011

YES.

But how and why?

Does your man (or a male friend) ever make a comment along the lines of "well, we're all equal now, so do that yourself!" or "If we're really equal, you should be able to do that like I do!".

Because that's his way of using feminism or gender equality (or a "modern day relationship") against you to ensure that any equality you might have gained is swiftly taken back – and that any responsibility for whatever the subject is, is taken away from HIM.  

Let me explain: men have always been crafty (I don't dispute that!) and ensured that 'the little woman' has rules to abide by. I don't mean that they pummel us into a corner and tell us what our responsibilities are (though I'm sure some have), but most men – in the past – have been seen as the 'lord and master' and decided that certain avenues are 'theirs'. Things like the car, the garden, the electrics, the plumbing, and erecting shelves. If we tried to involve ourselves in those (or – heaven forbid – suggest that we are better able to drive, change a plug, or fix the kitchen sink), the wrath of our husbands or male partners would descend on us.

We were seen (by them, and probably by ourselves in days of yore) as kitchen slaves, children's nanny, and unpaid 'homemaker'.

So "well, we're all equal now, so do that yourself!" can mean that he's decided to 'accept' feminism and 'allow' us to change the oil, weed the shrubs, fit a dimmer switch, or use 'his' power drill. At the same time, our traditional responsibilities remain with us. Few men will run a Hoover (other than round 'their' garage when they’ve been doing a spot of D.I.Y.) or change nappies or cook the Sunday roast or dust those shelves.

Now, anyone who's read my other pieces will know that I'm certainly not advocating a return to gender-specific rôles where I get down on all fours to clean the home.   

No, I'm suggesting (or, more strongly, stating) that we share responsibility for both traditional 'male' and traditional 'female' duties and that if I – by mutual consent – plant the potatoes and replace a tap washer, then he should make breakfast and clean the bathroom. By doing that, a couple's life becomes a true partnership, a real joint responsibility.

My other example is not one that I've been subjected to (if I had, in the same circumstances as a friend was, I would have thrown the offending – offenSIVE – man out). 

She was told, while waiting to use a public toilet, that if we were ever really equal, she would be able to nip in and out and spray the enamel like him and not have to worry about "little things" like toilet paper.

Which of course brings us to something I have to spell out to men over and over and over again: equality means being equal, not being the same!

Stalls and paper matter to me more than football and beer matters to a man. After all, one means privacy and cleanliness, the other sweaty bodies together and drunkenness.    

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