by Charlene Iannella

Created on: February 05, 2011

I believe a great deal in magic and soul mates. And so I believe in him, with everything in my being. Every time he said something, smiled, or laughed, there was never a doubt in my mind what he meant or how he meant it. There is never a time he told me he loved me that it sounded less captivating, less completely enthralling to my whole entire heart or less ridiculously worthy of a smile. There was a genuine beat to everything between us, whether we were in a crowd or in a car. We did not know how to be anything less than each other to each other which is the rarest, most beautiful thing I have ever been with anyone. And now even as we are thousands of miles away, the beat goes on, fight it as I may.

I absorbed much of his experiences in ways only a person who loves another can, feeling the sharpness just enough to pull back from the worst while somehow wanting to spare him something. I saw so many wounds that I wanted to help him heal which I don't think anyone could have done. But I attest that to the way I loved him, that I somehow wanted to save him.  I found myself loving the way he possessed everything about me, how assumed it was that I purely belonged to him, as though it had been a foregone conclusion long before we met and everything up until that point had just been mildly amusing. 

I never doubted that I would stay with him. In other relationships, what seemed like such a long time seemed to barely scratch the surface of a moment. There was so much I wanted to do with him. So many holidays and vacations, but even more than that, so many random Thursdays and Sunday afternoons that we hadn’t yet had. I just wanted every waking moment. I loved falling asleep in his arms or on his chest and I loved the feel of his arms wrapped around me. There is a safety in love that is unparalleled. I never imagined our relationship would end. Or that ending, it would become at once my happiest and saddest thoughts that I would struggle with the impossibleness of deleting and the irresistibleness of seeing.

I always believed in soul mates but I realized quite recently never as much as I believed in him. The idea is shaky for me that in this complicated world that there is one person who is meant for us. I have always thought it came down to so much more than that- timing, circumstance, luck- but he has somewhat changed my mind. Because we have lousy timing, circumstances and luck, but I know, no matter where any road leads us to, he will always hear my words and know innately what it is that I’m really saying as I will what his words really mean. I know that I will worry about him with a passion that is beyond my control everyday for the rest of my time as a person, because he exists and I know it. Mostly, I know that decades could go by and we could end up in the same room and happen to catch each other’s eyes. And all the timing, circumstances, luck and years would just be gone. It will be the magician’s best kept & last great trick, the great reveal of what being a soul mate really means. Pouf- we’ll still love each other. The most magical trick of all.

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