by Tracey Parece

Created on: January 30, 2011   Last Updated: January 31, 2011

It is important to observe proper funeral etiquette when attending services.  Being able to behave appropriately depends on having an understanding of what behavior is considered acceptable and what behavior is considered unacceptable.  Proper funeral etiquette covers a range of topics including proper attire, behavior, and whether to bring children.

Traditionally, proper attire when attending a funeral had to be conservative and black.  Today, it is possible to wear some color to a funeral, but within limits.  Although, it is still the safest choice to dress in black, other dark colors like gray, navy blue, and brown are also acceptable. 

Even more important that the color you wear is the style you choose.  Funeral attire should be modest and conservative without being flashy or revealing.  It is a sad commentary on the state of society that some women choose to attend funeral services wearing low-cut revealing tops and short micro-miniskirts.  Stiletto heels are another fashion statement that belongs in the clubs, not the funeral home.

Men often fail to observe proper funeral etiquette when it comes to attire as well.  Although a three piece suit and tie are not absolutely required, men should not wear blue jeans, t-shirts, or basketball shoes to a funeral.

When it comes to behavior, use common sense.  It is appropriate to speak softly and offer your condolences to the family of the deceased.  It is even appropriate to share beloved memories of the deceased.  However, it is not appropriate to treat a funeral as your own personal family reunion or happy hour.  If you see someone with whom you wish to have a conversation, discreetly make arrangements to meet at a later date.

If you have never been to a funeral in the past, it may be helpful to mimic the actions of others.  Particularly during a religious ceremony where there is sitting, standing, kneeling, and hand shaking, it can be helpful to follow along with everyone else.  Obviously, that doesn't mean it is okay to mimic inappropriate behaviors like laughing or talking during the service.

In some cases, proper funeral etiquette begins before you even leave the house.  If you have children who were close to the deceased, you may feel that it is appropriate to bring them to the funeral.  Unfortunately, bringing children to a funeral can be problematic in several ways.  Crying or screaming children do not belong at a funeral.  Neither do laughing children who run up and down the aisles. 

If you are not 100% certain that your children will not behave poorly, you should leave them with a sitter.  Another reason why bringing children to a funeral is not a good decision is because they may be traumatized by the experience.  While deciding whether to bring your children to a funeral is a personal choice, keep in mind that it rarely ends well.

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