by Elizabeth Fazakerley

Created on: January 30, 2011   Last Updated: February 01, 2011

Teaching teens how to deal with conflicts in school is a tricky issue. The majority of teens do not want to be told what to do or given advice. If they are ordered, told, pushed into dealing with it by their parents, chances are the conflict won’t be resolved.

In an ideal world, no one would think twice about telling a teacher on a bully. But it isn’t an ideal world, and chances are, your child will be strongly against this for fear of either reprisals, or the fear they may be considered weak or a “snitch” for telling.

Sit down with your teen, talk out the problem, find out how it’s affecting them. They may be reluctant to talk about it, and fair enough, they’re going to expect you to come out with clichéd quotations such as “don’t suffer in silence”. Coax them into a discussion with something they like, maybe bring in a plate of cookies while they’re sitting in the living room. Don’t tell them that you need to talk to them and get them to come and sit with you, make sure they’re already in the room and comfortable, though not too deeply engrossed in their television programme. Tearing them from doing something else that they’re doing will immediately raise their barriers. Don’t have more than one person present for the talk, it makes the talk more formal than it could be, and teens generally don’t like formal discussions if they can help it. If your teen is male, maybe have the father talk to him, man to man, so he doesn’t mentally associate dealing with bullies as a female issue. As negative as this stereotype of being considered “a girl” for telling is, it’s out there.  

Let him or her suggest what they think should be done. If they have ideas, great, talk them out and see if they might work. Don’t tell them they’re wrong, even if you don’t agree with their standpoint. If they have no ideas, suggest yours. Use epistemic modality, not deontic, say “might” or “could” instead of “should” and “will”, it offers them a choice, and they’re much more likely to agree with you if you’re open to their opinions.

The conflict doesn’t have to be bullying though, it’s only the most extreme example. Use the methods outlined above and you’ll have your teen at their most agreeable. Keep it relaxed, listen to their opinions, and suggest your own. It isn’t hard to get your teen to listen; they’re rational, competent individuals. All you have do to get them to listen is to treat them like one.

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