by Barry Parham

Created on: January 30, 2011

The Zodiac Buzz-Killer

(The effects of salad dressing on the last 20,000 years)

In case you haven't heard, you're not you anymore. Nobody is who they were anymore, because after 23,000 years of just sitting around aligning all over the place, all the Zodiac stars have moved. This is the type of pronouncement that is known, in scientific circles, as "bone stupid."

See, according to very calm, flowing-robe-wrapped people with names like Tawny and Holar, the Zodiac is a system for defining who you are and how you act, based on where the stars were on your birth day. The Zodiac was formed 23,000 years ago, at 4:12 on a Thursday afternoon, by invisible energy auras that regularly speak to Tawny and Holar. This is the type of admission that is known, in legal tests for mental incompetence, as "self-incriminating."

But now, suddenly, we're told by some Zodiac observers that the Earth has shifted on its axis, possibly due to epidemic numbers of obese Americans. And this little cosmic jiggle has rifted a rift-shaped rift in the sidereal (but not the tropical) ecliptic coordinates as measured by arc degrees per century along the precession of equinoctial points, resulting in a disambiguation, causing car dealers across America to create Final Disambiguation Sales That Won't Last Long. (Excluding Tags, Title & Rift)

The Zodiac, of course, is that branch of pure science based on the predicate that there are only twelve types of people, a proposition which can quickly be debunked by anyone who's ever been out on a date. I personally know a woman who was seventeen different people, often at the same time. I can distinctly recall one shape-shifting episode involving a hapless waiter who forgot to put the salad dressing on the side. It was downright clinical; it was Lizzie Bordenesque. The waiter may have survived, but after what he went through, I really hope not.

Now, to be fair, there are plenty of other Zodiac types who are calling foul. They say this "new" Zodiac is a load of bunk, which means they think the original Zodiac is not a load of bunk, and this is the type of situation that is known, in literary circles, as "a delicious irony."

What is perhaps most fascinating in this ongoing Zodiac versus Zodiac battle is this:  according to the Zodiac Redux gang, there's now a whole new star sign, bringing the star sign tally up to thirteen. According to their (ahem) research, the Universe had originally (ahem) created thirteen Zodiac signs, but those meddling Babylonians

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