by Barry Parham

Created on: January 23, 2011

Stallions, Skulls & Saint Funnel Cake

(Horses in a hockey rink. What could go wrong?)

This week, because my nieces wanted to, I went to see the Royal Lipizzaner Stallions at a local arena, where we witnessed something simply amazing: nine beautiful horses that, for nearly two hours, did not "go to the bathroom."

Now, in the spirit of full disclosure, let me say that I don't like to get sued. So, in the spirit of not liking to get sued, let me say that the Royal Lipizzaner show is an outstanding entertainment that proudly represents a major historical contribution to the rich tapestry that is Europe. And when you're stuck for two hours in an enclosed space with nine enormous warrior animals, it's a bit of a blessing that they're enormous warrior animals that are also house-broken.

But America and Europe have always had different attitudes about, well, let's call it personal aroma ("l'odeur de corps"). Even today, you can walk along most any Parisian street ("rue") and get absolutely blinded ("rendre aveugle") by someone's, well, let's call it aura ("le funk"). It's as if they were hiding their own personal paper mill. It's like a live thing, a thing that wants out, a thing that could suddenly annex Poland, or vastly improve Detroit.

To be fair, it was quite a show. The Lipizzaner Stallions have been touring the world for 41 years now, which, as I'm sure you'll agree, is a really long time between bathroom breaks ("le colostomy"). The show revolves around a presentation of "dressage," which is French for "Imaginary Horse Tutu." But though perfected in Europe, dressage was mentioned as far back as 400 B.C. by the Greek historian and military leader, Xenophon (literal translation: marimba).

Dressage includes many amazing elements, including the Walk, the Lope, the Eddie Cantor, the Galumph, and the Trotsky (literal translation: small trot). One of the more fascinating maneuvers involves the rider commanding the horse to walk briskly, without actually going anywhere (literal translation: filibuster).

(Don't quote me on this, but if I heard the emcee correctly, there's another maneuver known as the "extended trots." I'll move on. I have way too many immature male genes inside for me to loiter in this paragraph, thinking up jokes.)

As the evening continued, though, things grew increasingly interesting. I realized that dressage is a lot like a formal state dinner in Washington. Big on form, small on substance. Each participant announced with great fanfare. Each

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