by Jude Coyle

Created on: January 21, 2011

An Open Letter to the Love of My Life:

I love you. I truly do. But there are things about you that I know I can't change, but maybe with a little bit of encouragement, we can compromise. My biggest complaint is that you have skewered way of choosing gifts. Valentine's Day is coming and I don't need another weed whacker. So let's agree to the following: 

1. Please do not buy me that incredible rotor tiller you saw in the Menard's flyer last week and I promise I won't buy you that husband and wife scrapbook kit I saw at the craft store last month. 

2. Please, I don't want a case of motor oil anymore than you want new slipcovers for the living room. 

3. Please don't buy me Bulls tickets and I won't buy you tickets to the ballet. 

3. Yes, I need a vacuum. I'd appreciate that as much on Valentine's Day as you would the paint, brushes and drop cloth needed to do our bedroom. I figured pink walls, and I did see a really nice white comforter and drapes that would look awesome. (By the way, the man at Menard's told me to expect to move our bed into the living room for at least a night or two in order for two coats to dry properly. Buy me the vacuum and we'll be sleeping there for at least a week, white comforter and all.) 

4. If you buy me pajamas, sexy is fine. It's just that I'd prefer something luxurious and silky, as compared to a strap going up the crack of my *. Maybe it's just me, but thongs do not look like they're built for comfort. And cones for the breasts, especially those with tassels on them? It really kills the mood. Stay away from the sleezy aisle and I promise I won't buy you a thong either. I also promise not to purchase those cutesy boxers with hearts and a pack of tube socks. 

5.  Yes, dear, I do like kitchen gadgets, particularly things that make my life easier. Truthfully, on Valentine's Day, I'd prefer dinner out. Do this and I promise you breakfast in bed. How does heart shaped pancakes and lots of meat sound? (Just watch your crumbs on my nice, clearn sheets.)

6. Dinner sounds wonderful. We can try that Italian steak house we talked about, or one night at the hotel with a pool in our room and room service instead of that exotic game place. Ground rhino burgers doesn't sound appetizing, and neither does ostrich liver pate.  

Last but not least, his and her's cemetery plots are out, period. 

All my love.

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