by Diane Burnside

Created on: January 19, 2011   Last Updated: January 22, 2011

There are three major styles of parenting (submissive, punitive and consequential) and each leaves its individual mark on what a child learns, how they see them self and how they will be treated by the rest of the world.

Submissive parents’ parents tend to err on the side of protecting a child’s self esteem. They will show a lot of love but employ very little discipline, physical or otherwise, when raising children. Children from these homes are treated as though their feelings are more important than other peoples’. So when little Jonny decides, one day, to paint obscenities on the neighbours fence, very little is actually done about it. These parents may go as far as to say “Oh Jonny that wasn’t very nice. I think Mr. Johnson is very sad that you ruined his fence”. But they are not likely to press the matter further. Without consequences for Jonny, the relations between Jonny’s parents and Mr. Johnson become strained. Mr. Johnson is likely to think of (and treat) Jonny as a brat. Furthermore, little Jonny has learned virtually nothing from this event. Without further consequences it is unlikely that Jonny will give much though to his neighbor’s feelings, if he was that way inclined he never would have wrecked the fence in the first place. Compassion is not innate, it must be cultivated and if it is not cultivated in children by parents it is less likely to develop at all.

Punitive parents on the other hand, value obedience and are more concerned with whether or not their child knows right from wrong than they are about preserving their child’s feelings. It is this type of parent that is more likely to incline toward physical discipline while child rearing. Children raised in these homes are often treated as though their feelings are not as important as other peoples’. These children do realize that there are consequences for bad behavior but they often pay a price for this knowledge with their self esteem. When little Jonny defiles the neighbours fence these parents are likely to react harshly, maybe even physically. Certainly they will be sure to let Mr. Johnson know that Jonny’s transgression did not go unpunished. Mr. Johnson still has a ruined fence, but at least he can feel vindicated. He will probably still view Jonny as a brat but he will feel better about the parents. For his part, Jonny will have learned that he is bad and his parents are mad.  They also learn that violence is

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