by Diane Burnside

Created on: January 15, 2011

In Search of the Perfect Apology

      Many things masquerade as an apology but they are, in fact, the evil twin, the anti-Christ of accountability and remorse. There are non-apologies, inauthentic apologies, and genuine apologies, but the question of whether or not the perfect apology exists can really only be answered once we become clear as to what an apology is and is not.

      Any attempt to get ourselves off the hook is a non apology. Tactics in this category include: making light of the situation, blaming people and claiming that we are not responsible for other’s feelings. These behaviours do not even pretend at being apologetic. Although, they are sometimes thinly disguised, as they are when we use the ‘I am wrong but you’re even more wrong’ or ’I’m sorry you’re so sensitive’ approach. In any case they are low-man on the apology totem-pole.

     When something dark or self-serving masquerades as the real thing in order to manipulate others, it is the apology version of a wolf in sheep’s clothing, the inauthentic apology. One ploy, often used to get ourselves off the hot seat, is to end an apology by turning it around on the other guy or by belittling his reason for needing an apology in the first place, for example, "I'm sorry I upset you but you really shouldn't be so sensitive!" The nastier version is, “I’m sorry all right, sorry you’re such a cry-baby!” Really dirty pool is when we turn on them first so that the emphasis is on how bad they are and the apology we place at the end barely even registers. Offering a well-worded apology using a sarcastic, sneering or otherwise disingenuous tone of voice is the same as saying: “Alright, I am apologising, but I don’t mean a word of it”. Furthermore, we can say all the right things and use the right tone of voice but if our heart is coming from an unloving place, we would do well to remember that the voice of the heart is louder than the voice of the tongue. In the end it won’t matter what we say, the other person will hear the message that is inside.

     In order for an apology to be authentic we must first arrive at the genuine place of wanting to heal the hurt we have inflicted. Once we have done that we need to examine what we are truly remorseful for. There is nothing noble about apologizing for

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