by Timiarah A. Camburn

Created on: January 10, 2011   Last Updated: January 11, 2011

This is the third time now a cat has grabbed hold of my tongue when I wanted to say something. The first time was almost half a year ago when you asked me if I still loved you. You were so arrogant after three years of being gone to have the nerve to ask me such a thing. How dare you? It was like you just knew you had me. Even after you abandoned me and gave someone else all the things that I wanted and needed from you, you had the audacity to stroll back in like you had it going on. Boy did I want to slap you that night. It was not enough that I helped you even though you did not deserve it. You were not satisfied with us being as close as we were which was definitely a dangerous zone. No sir, you wanted me to also answer a heart incriminating question while you stood there with your boyish grin and your missing shirt and waited to hear my words...

"Go put a shirt on." How about that?

Just a week ago I was again in a position to answer your question when we huddled with our child temporarily. I had so much to say to you but all I could speak was silence. My breaths were frozen by fear. My voice had been silenced long ago with the crackling of my heart. I reached out for a moment to comfort you because I thought you were hurting, but then I remembered who you were and what you just might be trying to do to me...

" Never mind."

Then there was the last conversation we had. You wanted to know why I made that offensive move on you back in July. It really was not an offensive move. It was a defensive move, but I did not feel like explaining. You were also trying to tell me something. I knew exactly what you were saying, but I wondered what the motive was for such. I always question your sincerity so I did not want to get overly excited about another possible underhanded head game. I am past that stage and I never cared too much for games anyway. I do not wish to play anymore. I am all played out. I have run as far as I could possibly run to get away from my desire to answer your question. I am exhausted now.

Yes. I still love you. I have no idea why I have this ailment but nothing seems to cure it. Ha. You do not even get it either which is really frustrating. You think it is funny. Love is just a joke to the immature it seems. Mine was never appreciated and it is so huge that it overwhelms me sometimes. Vulnerability is something that is very uncomfortable for me, especially with someone who has hurt me so much already. Therefore, I have tried just about everything to make this love thing go away! I have tried being with another person and living a whole other life. I have tried self hypnosis. I have tried hatred. Self medicating mind erasure procedures. Random drunken prayer sessions. Exorcisms. I even locked myself away from the world for eighteen months. When I came out from hiding, I was still in love with you. Guh! I have done just about everything except set myself on fire or tell you how I really feel. Got a match?

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