by Darrah Fry

Created on: January 06, 2011   Last Updated: January 07, 2011

The best tools for firing off a comeback are quickness, creativity, and practice. If you know a few things about your tormentor, that also helps.  If they are a complete stranger, you can gain knowledge about them just by being observant.  If any of that fails, you can always try to confuse the heck out of them.  One time I was in a chat room and someone called me a name I wasn't familiar with.  (The name was slag.)  I didn't know what it meant, but gathered that I was being insulted.  I decided to go the confusion route. I said something like, "I can't be a stag because I'm female. I'd have to be a doe."  The person also said something like, "Your husband is a cross-dresser."  I said, "Why yes, he is.  He wears crosses sometimes.  He has a lot of cross necklaces.  Some are gold, some silver, some copper, etc etc etc."  The person logged off in fury and I had a laugh with my friends at my success in deflecting a flamer. 

Here is a collection of some of the comebacks I've created and gathered over the years.

When someone makes a rude comment at you, ask them to repeat it.  In most cases, they will ask why you want to hear it again. You will answer, "I just wanted to see if it sounded as stupid the second time around."   And if they don't ask you why, just modify it and say, "Yep, it sounds just as stupid as when I heard it the first time. Thanks for confirming it."

In this economy, lots of people are out of work.  I'm one of them.  I've gotten sick and tired of people asking me if I've found a job yet. Instead of answering "No" for the dozenth time, I say, "Yes, I found a lovely job answering questions. I get paid $10 a question. That'll be $10 please." (or any other amount if they have asked you any other questions.) 

If anyone comments about an accomplishment you've made, or some possession you have, or comments on the fact that the boss seems to favor you,  a good comeback is the classic and simple, "Jealous much?"

Here's some good comebacks when someone makes a comment beginning with "I bet".  

Example:  "I bet you never ate vegetables in all your life."

1. "You'd lose."  

2.  "Your gambling losses must amount to a lot. Better stop now before you're bankrupt."

3. "There's a 12-step program for that. I suggest you check it out."

4.  "If you're gonna bet like that, stay out of the casinos."

People tend to give a lot of advice whether it's wanted or not.  I have a few good comebacks for people suffering under advice-givers.

1. Advice is the only free thing that nobody wants.

2. I think I'll ask a professional's opinion about that.

3.  If I ever need your help, I'll ask you.  Don't hold your breath.

4. Thank you so much for trying to run my life. Now how about trying to run your own for a change?

5.  When I want your advice, I'll rattle your cage.

When they tell you to do something, say,  "Thanks, I'll be sure not to do that. "

Switch it around for when they tell you NOT to do something.

Thanks for reading and I hope you have learned a few good responses to the pains in your life.

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