by Barry Parham

Created on: January 02, 2011   Last Updated: January 08, 2011

Santa Cops A Plea

(America rushes to get out of 2010. Can you blame them?)

It began with a simple pre-Christmas TV interview. And after the smoke finally cleared in America, Congress had locked itself in the bathroom, Homeland Security had outlawed Boy Scouts as carry-on luggage, Santa was in custody, and cranberries had stormed the Vatican.

It was just intended to be a fluff piece: a slow-news-day slot-filler bunged together by the ratings-challenged NABCBS network. NABCBS news anchor, the perky and engaging Cokie "Geraldo" Stoppinhalfabolus, was interviewing the head of all US Intelligence, a nearly inert fellow bearing the high-salary title of DNI (Dim, Numb, Irrelevant). The DNI, who looks a lot like a man slowly recovering from a University of Wisconsin football homecoming weekend, is the civil servant ultimately responsible for keeping Americans safe at Starbucks' drive-thrus from disgruntled invaders based in third world countries, like Absurdistan and Florida.

NABCBS News: So what about this terrorist plot in London?
DNI: Yeah, right. Any bagels left?
NABCBS: No, seriously!
DNI: You mean THE London, over there in, um, whaddayacallit?
NABCBS: England?

He didn't know.

The coordinator of all American Intelligence efforts had no clue. You and I, we can't wear shoes for twenty consecutive minutes in an airport, but this DNI guy didn't know what every tax-paying, TV-watching, barefoot airport traveler already knew.

Obviously, this was very bad news - insultingly unprofessional, staggeringly expensive, ultimately useless. However, the government's response was as typical as it gets: colossal, misinformed overreaction.

Damage Control flunkies flooded the floodlights. Excuses were floated, blaming everything from "garbled communications" to global warming to George Bush. Members of Congress suited up, leapt in front of any camera that got within leaping range, flashed some teeth, and began spending money (aka "doing the people's business"). Meanwhile, America was just trying to have a holly, jolly Christmas, thank you very much.

Let's hit some of the holiday highlights: 

Janet Neapolitan, who's apparently in charge of Homeland Security for some country we don't live in, assured her country that Homeland Security is on the job, 364 days a year. By the end of the week, Joe Biden had leaked the day each year when Homeland Security is off. Internet chatter uncovered that jihadist Boy Scouts might attack a plane using a thermos. Due to a garbled communication,

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