by Ethan Gill

Created on: December 31, 2010   Last Updated: January 01, 2011

For most, a New Year is a chance for a new life. This was, of course, before they let me write again. So, with out further ado, I present my top 10 New Years Anti-Resolutions.

10. Don’t learn any new hobbies- Hobbies take time and money. Who has any free time or money anymore? Not me, I'm a writer.

9. Don’t lose weight- gain it if you have to. Everyone wants to be skinny, nobody wants obesity….yet. I say pig out. Be a real porker. Show complete disregard for the health of yourself and the world food supply.  

8. Keep smoking- quitters suck. Why would you want to quit now? The worlds going to end in 2012 and this year will be 2011. Clearly the most logical thing to do is smoke More cigarettes. 

7. Do more drugs and alcohol- Same reasons as before. World sucks, life sucks, but you know what? It’s a lot funner when your high. You heard it hear first folks. 

6. Don’t advance in your career- Sure you will make more money to buy more drugs and alcohol, but think about the responsibility. You would have to actually acknowledge your bosses and I think we all agree that wouldn't do. 

5. Don’t find love- Love costs money and time. We don’t have either and why find love when you could have countless shallow, meaningless sexual encounters with a variety of exotic erotics. 

4. Waste your money on dumb adventures and random acts of stupidity- This one is self-explanatory. Just find something financially reckless and do it. A thirty-thousand dollar boat loan suddenly sounds worthwhile, doesn't it?

3. Partake in detrimental behaviors- whether it be promiscuity, drunken bar brawls or high-speed police chases,  just shrug the off the weight of civic responsibility and do what you wish. Sure, lives may be lost, but that is a risk that you should be willing to take. I know I am.

2. Lose friends- Why make friends when you could lose them? This means you wouldn't  have to devote extra time to the needs of other people. There’s a word for that- Pandering, and you pander to no one. 

1. Be a worse person than you were last year.  Anyone can be a better person. It takes buns of bronze to actually try to be a worse person and why not? The whole world is suffering. War, hunger and poverty on all the news channels all the time. I say, if the world is going to hell, let me give it a small nudge and I hope you will agree.

Thank you

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